- [the court toast to Edmund]
- King Richard IV: May he live as long as our dynasty!
- [everyone except Edmund is killed by the poisoned wine]
- Prince Edmund: Percy, you are dismissed from my services.
- Percy: Me? why?
- Prince Edmund: Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. THAT is why you are dismissed.
- Percy: Oh, I see.
- Prince Edmund: And as for you, Baldrick...
- Baldrick: My Lord?
- Prince Edmund: You're out too.
- Prince Edmund: Don't be absurd. Such activities are totally beyond my mother. My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhoea.
- [to Percy]
- Prince Edmund: You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the Court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be.
- [while sitting in prison.]
- Prince Edmund: Dear Lord, who made the birds and the bees... and the snails, presumably, erm, please help me, a little animal too, in my despair. I have bee a sinner, but now I intend to follow the path of the saints: particularly the very religious ones.
- Prince Edmund: Tomorrow I shall prove that I am a man.
- Percy: Well, you are a man.
- Prince Edmund: But how shall it be proved, Percy?
- Percy: Well, they could always look up that tree in Rutland.
- Prince Edmund: [weakly] Harry... what are my chances?
- Harry: Oh, very good.
- The Queen: He will live?
- Harry: Living? Oh, I thought you meant of going to heaven.
- Prince Edmund: [weakly] Damn.
- [Edmund and his fellow members of the Black seal are plotting to assassinate the royal family]
- Prince Edmund: Let us then go on to the plan.
- Others: The plan, the plan...
- Friar Bellows: But first a motto for our enterprise. "Blessed are the meek, for they shall be slaughtered"
- [the members of the Black Seal apart from Edmund draw their swords and begin to charge out]
- Prince Edmund: Wait you've forgotten the plan.
- Three Fingered Pete: I thought that was the plan.
- Sean, the Irish Bastard: Let's get those meek bastards, now!
- Guy of Glastonbury: Sorry, did I say, "Your money or your life"? I meant, "Your money AND your life."
- [Calmly brings out a crossbow and shoots traveler]
- King Richard IV: Chiswick, fresh horses! We ride at once to rebellious Stoke, where it is my sworn intent to approach the city walls, bare my broad buttocks, and shout, "Behold! I honor thee most highly!"
- Prince Edmund: Look, this may seem a stupid question ...
- Mad Gerald: Question, yes?
- Prince Edmund: ...but you wouldn't know if there's a way out of here, would you?
- Mad Gerald: A way out? Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ...
- [twelve months later]
- Mad Gerald: ...ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! "A way out," you say? I haven't heard those words, "a way out," for... ooh ...
- Prince Edmund: Twenty years?
- Mad Gerald: Yes, twenty years! Not like "Mr. Rat." I'm always saying, "Mr. Rat."
- Prince Edmund: Who?
- Mad Gerald: Mr. Rat! I say, "Good morning, Mr. Rat, how are you today?" And he'll say
- [pressing his nose]
- Mad Gerald: "meep meep."
- [pause]
- Mad Gerald: Ah ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha ...
- [time passes]
- Mad Gerald: No, you mustn't be rude about Mr. Rat - he's my friend. Well, there's him, and there's Mr. Key.
- Prince Edmund: What?
- Mad Gerald: Mr. Key. I made him from my own teeth. Good morning, Mr. Key!