Blackadder II (TV Series)

Chains (1986)

Miranda Richardson: Queen Elizabeth I

Quotes 

• Queen Elizabeth I : [Speaking of Edmund:]  Well then he's vanished. Simply vanished.

  Lord Percy Percy : Like an old oak table.

  Queen Elizabeth I : Vanished, Lord Percy, not varnished.

• Queen Elizabeth I : Lord Percy...

  Lord Percy Percy : Yes?

  Queen Elizabeth I : It's up to you. Either you can shut up, or you can have your head cut off.

  Lord Percy Percy : [thinks for a few seconds]  I'll shut up.

• Blackadder : Get out, get out libidinous swine! And take that horse-slut painted strumpet with you. May you both rot in the filth of your own fornication!

  Queen Elizabeth I : And what did you say to him?

  Blackadder : Say, Madam? I said nothing. I simply pulled up my tights and jumped out of the privy window.

  Queen Elizabeth I : Oh Edmund, you're so naughty!

  Blackadder : Well, I try, Madam. And then, ten minutes later when I've got my breath back, I try again.

• Blackadder : We told him that if the queen was having a party, that Nursie always goes as a cow. From that moment, he was doomed. All we had to do was escape, return, and kill the cow.

  Queen Elizabeth I : How could you be sure it was not Nursie?

  Blackadder : Because, lady, Ludwig was a master of disguise. Whereas Nursie is a sad, insane old woman with an udder fixation. All we had to do was kill the one that looked like the cow.

• Queen Elizabeth : And me, did you miss me Edmund?

  Blackadder : Madam, life without you is like a broken pencil.

  Queen Elizabeth : Explain...

  Blackadder : Pointless.

• Queen Elizabeth : Unfortunately, apart from my nose getting a little prettier, nothing much has changed around here. Your animal still isn't housetrained, Percy's still unemployed, and Nursie's one stick short of a bundle.

  Nursie : Moo!

• Blackadder : Well, as you know, Madam, I have had experience of this dreadful situation. Only last year my aunt came to me to beg for help in the ransom of my Uncle Osric.

  Lord Melchett : Well, then you know something of the dreadful pain involved.

  Blackadder : Indeed I do. And can suggest no better answer than the one I gave to her.

  Queen Elizabeth I : Which was?

  Blackadder : "Get stuffed."

• Queen Elizabeth I : Oh I don't know, I've looked everywhere.

  Lord Percy Percy : [concentrating intensely]  Perhaps... they're not... hiding... at all! Perhaps they've been kidnapped!

  Queen Elizabeth I : Nonsense! As Edmund said, "Only real idiots get kidnapped."

• [At the Queen's costume party, Baldrick is crouched with two pencils up his nose] 

  Queen Elizabeth : What are you meant to be?

  Baldrick : A pencil case.