- Ross Harper: Arsenio, I've always dreamed about being on your show!
- Arsenio Hall: It's funny that you mentioned that cuz this is a dream, Ross.
- [Brian records Emily with a videocamera]
- Brian Harper: You see, Emily, this is a present for Granny and Gramp. This way, they will be able to watch you on television.
- Emily Harper: Can I be on Sesame Street?
- Brian Harper: No, I don't think so.
- Emily Harper: How 'bout Hunter?
- Kate Harper: Why do you think you always have to give them expensive presents?
- Brian Harper: Cuz they hate me.
- Kate Harper: Brian, you have to understand my parents, it's a love-hate thing.
- Brian Harper: Right! They love you, they hate me.
- Kristin Carlson: I'm going bungee jumping.
- Kate Harper: Bungee jumping?
- Kristin Carlson: It's a great sport! We go to the top of a bridge and jump off!
- Brian Harper: So it's a one-time only kind of a thing?
- [Brian looks at his in-laws' family scrapbooks]
- Brian Harper: Oh, look at that handsome couple! Martin looks so dapper. And you look absolutely radiant.
- Ann: That isn't me, Brian, that's the woman who nearly broke up my marriage.
- Brian Harper: This must be your wedding picture?
- Ann: That's my grandmother's wedding. Look at the damned date! It says 1897, how old do you think I am?
- Brian Harper: I know the way to your father's heart, a poker game with his buddies.
- Kate Harper: Can I make one suggestion?
- Brian Harper: Sure.
- Kate Harper: Lose big.
- Bob: Hey Ross, when's your dad getting home?
- Ross Harper: Any minute now.
- Bob: That's a good one, Ross! Anyway, when he gets here, you might wanna tell him he's out of aftershave.
- Ross Harper: Bob, You've gotta stay out of my dad's things!
- Bob: That's another good one, Ross. Oh, another thing. Was that lamp on your mother's night table like a really important lamp?
- Ross Harper: Why are we talking in the past tense, Bob?
- Bob: Oh, no reason.