- Millie Helper: [auditioning with a sentimental love song she wrote herself] "My heart got a smash in the face. That night I will never erase. You saw me standing 'neath the sun and the stars, and I was something to see, but you took hold of my aching heart and kicked it right in the knee. My heart has a terrible scar. I'll get you for this, wherever you are, but first I'll kill myself! I'm funny that way. But, seriously, darling - you're OK."
- Laura Petrie: Rob, why don't you just come out and admit it? She was very very good.
- Rob Petrie: All right, she was fantastic. All right, you know, for what she does there.
- Laura Petrie: Well, what does THAT mean?
- Rob Petrie: Well, Honey, it just means that the whole thing is... is just a trick, that's all.
- Laura Petrie: A trick?
- Rob Petrie: Well, yeah. She fooled everybody, Honey. You come out and sing great and dance great, people are GONNA think you're talented. She didn't fool me, though. Not for one minute. I saw through her. You take away all that fabulous dancing, all that great singing, what is there left? Nothing but that... haunting beauty.
- Rob Petrie: [Mel Cooley wants to audition his ventriloquist act] Oh, Buddy, will there be a part for a ventriloquist in the show?
- Rob Petrie: No, but there's a part for a dummy.
- Rob Petrie: Say, how did we do at the box office, anyway?
- Mrs. Billings: Well, I am very proud to announce this was our greatest year. We only lost $75.
- Sally Rogers: Hey, come on, fellas, whadda you say we get to work, huh? I got a very important if-date.
- Buddy Sorrell: An if-date?
- Sally Rogers: Yeah. If he shows up and if he asks me, I got a date.
- Rob Petrie: I don't want any more of those sketches about Alan wakin' up in the morning and finding a Saint Bernard in his bed.
- Buddy Sorrell: That's the truth. It happened to me.
- Rob Petrie: Buddy, you never had a Saint Bernard in your bed.
- Buddy Sorrell: No? Did you ever see my wife in the morning? I keep yellin' at her, "Take off that ridiculous cask of brandy!"