- [Peter is seen taking his physical alongside Lois]
- Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month!
- Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin: What?
- [Doctor pulls out the comics]
- Doctor: Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month.
- [Looks at Peter]
- Doctor: Now, onto you.
- Peter Griffin: So, What do you think? I'm pretty healthy, huh?
- Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results.
- [Opens booklet and screams]
- Doctor: [Peter and Lois gasp]
- Doctor: There's a spider in here!
- [Turns to them]
- Doctor: Now, here we go.
- Doctor: Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
- [Peter and Lois gasp]
- Doctor: This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
- [Peter and Lois gasp]
- Doctor: ...When you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts!
- Lois Griffin: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?
- Doctor: Uh, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this...
- [Peter and Lois boggle their eyes]
- Doctor: ... Kim 'Baasenger', 'Baysenger', 'Basenjer', 'Bay-singer'? But now, on to the cancer...
- [Peter and Lois gasp]
- Doctor: You are a cancer, right? You were born in July? Now, on to these test results... My, they're much worse than I thought.
- [Peter and Lois gasp]
- Doctor: [Shows paper] My son got a D minus on his history test. Now, Griffin, that liver has got to come out.
- [Peter and Lois gasp]
- Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes now; it will get dry!
- Lois Griffin: Please... Please, we can't take anymore schtick. Please just tell us: is Peter healthy?
- Doctor: Oh yeah, he's fine. He's just really fat.
- Brian Griffin: Look!
- [Pictures of dead fat guys on the wall]
- Lois Griffin: That doesn't mean anything.
- Brian Griffin: What about that dead fat guy under the bed?
- Lois Griffin: Coincidence?
- Brian Griffin: What about that other half-dead fat guy?
- Half-Dead Fat Guy: Patrick did it.
- Lois Griffin: It could be any Patrick.
- Peter Griffin: Did you just say I was fat?
- Doctor: Well, uh, yeah. You... you are pretty fat.
- Peter Griffin: Um, okay... this is news to me.
- [Peter prances into the living room wearing an outfit about ten sizes too small]
- Peter Griffin: Lois, if I'm fat, then Stewie is, too, because we wear the same size onesie.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, don't forget, you have your physical today at 1:00.
- Peter Griffin: For the hundreth time, Lois, I won't forget. Nag nag nag. Sometimes, I think I should have married that woman I met the night of my bachelor party.
- [cut to Lois helping Peter out of the bar]
- Lois Griffin: Peter, I can't believe your friends just left you here. Let's get you home.
- Peter Griffin: Wow, strange lady, you're so sexy. I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain in the ass Lois.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, it's me.
- Peter Griffin: You know what? Screw it! I am SO gonna cheat on Lois right now. I don't care if she finds out.
- Lois Griffin: Peter...
- Peter Griffin: You got a condom? Never mind, I got this Milky Way wrapper.
- Meg Griffin: I miss Uncle Patrick
- Lois Griffin: Don't worry kids, we'll visit him once a month.
- Chris Griffin: We'll be his period.
- Brian Griffin: Peter, you've got to get these guys out of here. Patrick is the murderer.
- Peter Griffin: What? You son of a bitch!
- Lois Griffin: Don't listen to Brian. He doesn't know what he's talking about.
- Peter Griffin: Out of my way, Lois! Your brother is toast! Warm buttery toast.
- Lois Griffin: Run, Patrick, Run!
- Peter Griffin: After him!