Farscape (TV Series)

Crackers Don't Matter (2000)

Ben Browder: John Crichton

Photos 

Quotes 

• John Crichton : I got great eyes. They're better than 20/20 and they're blue.

• John Crichton : Smells like puke.

  Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan : I predigested it to increase its potency.

  John Crichton : It's puke?

• John Crichton : The ionic radiation gives her photogasms, unless she's faking it. They can do that, you know. Hey, Zhaan, you faking it?

  Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan : [blissfully giggling]  Noooo...

• Scorpius : Kill her. Then we'll have pizza and margarita shooters. Go on, John. Kill her. Do it. Do it.

  John Crichton : [aims gun at Scorpius instead]  Nobody has margaritas with pizza.

• Voice of Pilot : I'm only judging on my experience with you, but I've never seen such a deficient species.

  John Crichton : Have you run the scan on the pulsar light yet?

  Voice of Pilot : How do humans make it through a cycle, even half a cycle, without killing each other?

  John Crichton : We find it difficult. Have you run the scan?

  Voice of Pilot : You have no special abilities. You're not particularly smart, can hardly smell, can barely see, and you're not even vaguely physically or spiritually imposing. Is there anything you do well?

  John Crichton : Watch football.

• John Crichton : I hate it when villains quote Shakespeare.

• John Crichton : Does this strike any of you superior beings as a little bit ironic?

  Chiana : What?

  John Crichton : That I'm the deficient one, and I'm still saving your butts.

• Aeryn Sun : Why don't you make another speech, you self-important, deficient little man. All you ever do is talk. Your father was the hero, you know. He did things. You, you're just this test monkey that screwed up your first experiment.

  John Crichton : [laughing hysterically]  That is good. That is fantastic, coming from a frigid, flat-butted Peacekeeper SKANK.

• John Crichton : Whatcha doing?

  Chiana : Well, I'm having sex with three Hynerian donkeys. What does it look like?

• John Crichton : Gilligan and Mary Ann. Maybe you're Ginger. I'd have to, uh, see you in a Wonderbra to know.

• John Crichton : Where's my damn ice cream?

  Dominar Rygel XVI : I have no idea what "Eye is green" is.

• John Crichton : Herrrrrre's Johnny! Hiya honey!

• John Crichton : Where's my ice cream?... I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream! Baskin-Robbins, Ben & Jerry's, Good Humor. What's your favorite? Creamsicle or fudgesicle?

• John Crichton : I'm not deficient. I'm superior. Humans are superior.

• Dominar Rygel XVI : Well, he's not coming in here.

  John Crichton : He wouldn't want to go in there, cranky. All of his senses are heightened, including his nose. You might kill him without intending to.

• John Crichton : Oh, great. So he's like one of those mechanics on 60 Minutes. He says he's gonna help and then he screws us.

• John Crichton : Zhaan, where are you?

  Zhaan : I'm up in the maintenance bay, John, about to have a fight with Aeryn.

• Aeryn Sun : Unless you plan on actually pulling the trigger, don't ever pull a gun on me like that again.

  John Crichton : I was making a point.

  Aeryn Sun : So was I.

• Aeryn Sun : Got a bit of a problem, Commander? Well, now you've got one more. 'Cause the only way you're going to get my weapon is if I'm dead.

  [points her pulse pistol at her own head] 

  John Crichton : Look at what you're doing.

  [Aeryn still doesn't move the pistol] 

  John Crichton : Look.

  Aeryn Sun : [looks at the pistol and cackles madly]  Yes. You're right. You're so right.

  [goes inside the hatch. To Rygel] 

  Aeryn Sun : He's absolutely right. Power setting's too low.

  [turns it up to max setting, pops outside the hatch and fires at Crichton] 

  Aeryn Sun : Thank you! So much better!

• John Crichton : What the hell is going on here?

  Aeryn Sun : Nothing.

  Chiana : She won't play me the message. There's a hidden message on there and she won't show it to me!

  Aeryn Sun : She's out of her frelling mind, there's nothing on there!

  John Crichton : Show her the message.

  Aeryn Sun : What?

  John Crichton : Show her the message. If there's nothing secret on the beacon, then show her the message and she can get the hell out of here.

  Chiana : Wait a minute. Why do you want me to watch it? Oh. What's on there you want me to see?

  [Aeryn groans] 

  John Crichton : You know what? Aeryn's right. You're "fweaking" insane.

  Aeryn Sun : Thank you!

  Ka D'Argo : What's going on in here?

  John Crichton : Go back to your mountain, grizzly, you're not wanted here.

  Chiana : They're up to something. They are! They're working together! First of all they don't want me to watch the beacon, and now, they want me to watch the beacon!

• Ka D'Argo : He said he could help us...

  John Crichton : Oh, so he's like one of those mechanics on 60 Minutes who says he can help & then he screws us!