- John Crichton: Haven't you read the Super Villain's Handbook? This is where you're supposed to twirl your mustache and gloat.
- Sorcerer Maldis: [Appears] I don't have a mustache!
- Chiana: Who's the ugly old man?
- John Crichton: His name is Maldis. He's your basic evil vampire.
- Ka D'Argo: He sucks the life force out of people.
- John Crichton: He just plain sucks.