Frasier (TV Series)

Author, Author (1994)

John Mahoney: Martin Crane

Quotes 

• [after a bitter argument with Niles] 

  Frasier : Dad, the mark of a pure man is that one realizes he can't control his circumstances, he can only control his responses.

  Martin : Have you talked to your brother yet?

  Frasier : I do not have a brother! I'm an only child!

• Frasier : Morning all!

  Martin : Morning.

  Daphne Moon : You seem cheerful this morning, Dr. Crane.

  Frasier : Why shouldn't I be?

  [Picks up a muffin and begins to take a bite] 

  Martin : Well it's going to rain again, jobless rates are up and about two minutes ago Eddie was licking that muffin.

• Frasier : I bought you these headphones. Now here, you see, you'll be able to listen to the TV without disturbing Niles and me while we work.

  Martin : What about Eddie? How's he gonna hear?

  Frasier : He can read about the game in tomorrow's paper.

• Martin : But the Sonics are on in twenty minutes.

  Frasier : Dad, I've solved that problem.

  [Frasier gives Martin a pair of wireless headphones] 

  Frasier : I've bought you these headphones, see? You'll be able to listen to the TV, without disturbing Niles and me as we work.

  Martin : What about Eddie? How's he going to hear?

  Frasier : He can read about the game in tomorrow's paper. Try 'em out, Dad.

  [Frasier turns on the TV at the same time Martin puts on the headphones] 

  Martin : [shouting]  Hey, not bad!

  [Martin turns his attention to the TV] 

  Niles : [to Frasier]  Very clever solution

  Frasier : Yes, and it also has another little feature that I like a lot. Watch this.

  [while Martin watches the TV, Frasier speaks out of his sight] 

  Frasier : Hey, Dad! Nice shirt. Did they throw that in the last time you had your tires rotated?

  [Martin doesn't respond, Frasier and Niles laugh. Niles gets up from the dinner table to instigate Martin himself] 

  Niles : Hey Dad? Tell us about the time you met Dwight Eisenhower. We haven't heard that story this hour!

  [they laugh again] 

  Frasier : Okay, okay, my turn. Hey, Dad? Remember...

  Martin : [obviously hearing them]  Say another word and I'll club you both with my cane.

  [Frasier and Niles back off and retreat to the dinner table to begin writing] 

• Martin : Frasier, isn't there something you want to say to your brother?

  Frasier : Yes, Dad, I - I suppose there is. Niles, would you like a muffin?

  Martin : Frasier!

  Frasier : Oh, all right. Niles... I'm sorry things didn't work out with the book. You have no reason to feel inferior to me. You're an accomplished psychiatrist, a decent man and you fall second to no one.

  Niles : Thank you, Frasier. The truth is, I've always looked up to you and admired you.

• Frasier : What are you doing here?

  Niles : Dad, I would like you to convey a message from me to Frasier.

  Martin : What makes you think I know where he is?

  Niles : Tell him he owes me half of this hotel bill. I will accept cash but no personal checks. I know he has trouble writing things.

  Frasier : I'm not paying any of this.

  Niles : Oh... so you're cheap as well as intellectually barren.

  Frasier : And you're a no-talent hack!

  Niles : And you look stupid in a T-shirt!

• Martin : About three months into our partnership Goss and I got assigned to a stakeout - three days in the front seat of a Chevy Nova together sleeping sitting up, drinking too much coffee. Didn't take long before we started getting on each other's nerves.

  Niles : Because he was a big, egotistical fat face?

  Martin : Because we were human.