- Jazz: I'll earn my keep. I'll do everything Geoffrey does.
- Philip Banks: Geoffrey bathes.
- Jazz: I can learn.
- Jazz: [explaining a shrunken shirt] The directions on the shirt said "Hand Wash". So that's exactly what I did. Before I put the clothes in the washer, I washed my hands.
- Jazz: Mr. Banks, I'm willing to take Hillary off your hands.
- Will: Jazz, would you prefer a Muslim or a Viking burial?
- Jazz: I mean, she ain't gettin' any younger. I'll put a roof over her head, and might be willing to look into a marriage license if she performs on the "test drive".
- Vivian: Philip, get him.