- Joey: There will come a time in each of your careers when you'll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent present. And I'm ashamed to say that I took it. I advised a fellow actor to play a role... homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part and, uh, as it turned out, they... They liked the stupid gay thing and cast him! And now he's got a two-year contract opposite Susan Lucci, the First Lady of daytime television. And me? Me, I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV!
- Dr. Leonard Green: Do you know what rust does to a boat?
- Ross Geller: Give it that nice, antique-y look?
- Dr. Leonard Green: Rust is boat cancer.
- Ross Geller: I'm sorry. When I was a kid, I lost a bike to that.
- Phoebe: [sees a little kid playing with a race car bed - to kid] Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store.
- Joey: [to his acting class] To work in soap operas, some of you are going to have to become much more attractive.
- Mattress King: [Mattress King Commercial] Despair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. I'm so depressed, I'm going to slash... My Prices!
- Joey: [teaching Acting for Soap Operas] Okay, some tricks of the trade...
- Joey: Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers and just start pulling.
- Joey: Or let's say I want to convey that I've, uh, just done something evil. Well, that would be your basic I've-got-a fish-hook-in-my-eyebrow-and-I-like-it.
- Joey: No? Okay. Let's say I've just gotten bad news. Well, all I do there is try and divide 213 by 13.
- Joey: And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight, everybody. Class dismissed.
- Monica: What's the part?
- Joey: It's not a part. No. I'm teaching Acting for Soap Operas at the Learning Extension.
- Ross Geller, Rachel Green, Monica: Come on. That's great.
- Joey: It's like my chance to give something back to the acting community.
- Ross Geller: You know, you're probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students.
- Joey: [long pause] I know.