- Carmen Lopez: [to Angie about shopping for her clothes] Here's a hint, if you're pushing a grocery cart and Dad's eating a hot dog on a stick, you're IN-THE-WRONG-STORE!
- Benny: Don't be such a princess. For years I bought your father's clothes at the county coroner's thrift store and he never once complained.
- George Lopez: I wore dead kids' clothes?
- Benny: You can't take it with you. Who buries a kid in shorts?
- Carmen Lopez: Oh that reminds me, Dad, I saw the perfect short sleeved hand painted dress at the mall and it's only $300, you need to get it for me.
- George Lopez: Are you crazy? $300 for a hand painted dress? Carmen, I wore haunted pants!
- Max Lopez: [reveals he's George's Secret Santa] I got you something good, because now I know how bad your Christmases were growing up.
- Max Lopez: Christmas is going to suck this year, it'll be over in 5 minutes. Remember when we used to unwrap presents and Mom always says 'save the bows for next year' and you'd put them on your butt and say 'unwrap this'?
- George Lopez: [laughs] You know it's funny, before you kids were born she'd actually unwrap it and
- [whistles]
- George Lopez: Now she just says 'you're ruining the best bows!'
- George Lopez: [to Max about their 1 present rule] I know this is rough, Max, but maybe next year when you get more than one thing, you'll appreciate what you get.
- Vic Palmero: [reads letter from foreign family they sent donations to] Thank you for the care package, the ant colony was delicious!
- George Lopez: [takes out flat present] Here, I got your gift.
- Benny: [opens box, takes out shredded paper] What is this crap?
- George Lopez: It's your bar tab from Thirsty's, Mom, I paid it off.
- Benny: [gets weepy and emotional] I can drink the good stuff again.
- George Lopez: Merry Christmas, bat.
- [hugs her]
- Benny: He was only going to get one gift, I wasn't about to ruin a little boy's Christmas.
- George Lopez: HELLO?
- Benny: This is different, I wanted to do it right this time.
- George Lopez: What do you mean 'do it right this time'? Are you admitting you messed up when I was a kid?
- Benny: No.
- George Lopez: Hey Max, before you open that, why don't you open a present from Santa?
- [brings out extra gift]
- Carmen Lopez: That's not fair! Max gets two gifts but I only get one?
- George Lopez: Be quiet, he's a boy, it's different.
- George Lopez: I need to know who Max's Secret Santa is.
- Benny: I got Max.
- George Lopez: What? That's impossible, I rigged it so you'd get Angie.
- Benny: You THOUGHT you rigged it, I got Vic to switch with me.
- Angie Lopez: What do you MEAN you RIGGED it?
- George Lopez: I didn't want to get a crappy gift, and you thought my mom should be part of it, so I thought you deserved to be punished.
- Benny: You wanted to PUNISH me for Christmas?
- George Lopez: No, that sounds bad... I was going to teach you a holiday lesson.
- George Lopez: [about Max's unopened toys] Look at all this perfectly good stuff being wasted on charity, an ant colony, a microscope, when you're poor you don't want to see things small!