- Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: You have become a nuisance, Mr. Smart, and you know what I do with nuisances?
- Maxwell Smart: You ignore them and hope they'll go away?
- Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: Wrong.
- Maxwell Smart: Wrong. You don't ignore them and hope they'll go away?
- Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: Wrong.
- Maxwell Smart: Wrong again.
- Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: I dispose of them once and for all.
- Maxwell Smart: That was my next guess.
- Agent #1: [Max is being slapped around by the Control grill team] Agent 86, you must remember something...
- Maxwell Smart: [exasperated] Water... water... I gotta have some water.
- Chief: Here Max, this'll help
- [as the Chief hands him a glass of water, Max knocks it out of the Chief's hand]
- Maxwell Smart: Don't give me any water, Chief! How do you expect me to break down and talk?
- Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: Thank you, eh, mister...
- Maxwell Smart: Oh, I'm sorry.
- [takes out a calling card]
- Maxwell Smart: Bill Banford, president of the Ramid American Oil Company.
- Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: I've seen Mr. Banford. He's a tall, sixty year old man with grey hair, he was a guest in our hotel once.
- Maxwell Smart: Oh.
- [takes out another card]
- Maxwell Smart: Well how about Fred Lamister, munitions.
- Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: I think I've seen him.
- Maxwell Smart: Oh.
- [picks another card]
- Maxwell Smart: Harry Schlerb, toy manufacturer?
- Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: Well...
- Maxwell Smart: Mervin Gribbs, calling card manufacturer?
- Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: I've never met the man.
- Maxwell Smart: Ah!
- [picks up his glass]
- Maxwell Smart: Then meet Mervin Gribbs.
- [they clink]
- Chief: Mary 'Jack' Armstrong, the strongest female counter spy in the world. Max, you've got to be especially carefull, she is gorgeous and deadly.
- Maxwell Smart: [with emphasis] So... am I.
- Chief: Mary, I don't mean to pry, but how did a nice girl like you ever get into this rotten business?
- Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: Well Thaddeus, it's a living.
- Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: I've often wondered who painted that picture on the wall behind you. I've never been able to make out the signature.
- Maxwell Smart: What picture?
- Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: There.
- [when Max turns around, Mary switches the glasses]
- Maxwell Smart: Well I'm not quite sure, but I think it probably was the same artist that painted that picture over there in the corner.
- [when she turns around, Max switches the glasses back]
- Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: Clever of you to notice. Then he probably was the same artist who's responsible for that picture over the desk.
- Maxwell Smart: What picture?
- Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: That one.
- Maxwell Smart: Do I have to look?
- Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: Yes.
- [when Max turns around, Mary pretends to switch the glasses]
- Maxwell Smart: Is it my turn?
- Maxwell Smart: And don't worry about a thing. I don't need any more help on this case than I did on my last case.
- Chief: Parker, how many men do we have?
- Chief: Max?
- Maxwell Smart: Yes, Chief.
- Chief: What's going on? Are you all right?
- Maxwell Smart: Well, I'm fine, Chief. You know me, never any problems.
- Chief: [to Parker] He must be in trouble.
- Maxwell Smart: Listen, Chief. I don't know what we're gonna do with Mary Jack. There's no prison built that can hold her. She's the strongest, toughest, most vicious opponent I've ever faced in my entire life.
- Chief: Hello Mary.
- Maxwell Smart: Mary?
- Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: Hello Thaddeus.
- Chief: Um, I'm the Chief now.
- Mary 'Jack' Armstrong: Oh well that's wonderful! I didn't know you had been promoted.
- Chief: Well, of course we couldn't publish it. I tried to write to you, but, well, the only address I had was Care of KAOS.
- Chief: Oh, incidentally, the Prince sent you a gift in appreciation of your services to him and to his country
- Maxwell Smart: Well, that's very nice of the Prince, Chief.
- Chief: Well now, Max, you know the policy of CONTROL on things like that. CONTROL agents are not allowed to accept gratuities.
- Maxwell Smart: I know that, Chief. Don't worry, I'll send it back tomorrow.
- [the office door opens and a belly dancer dances in]
- Maxwell Smart: Would you believe the day after tomorrow?