- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma! How in the world did you get these?
- Sophia Petrillo: Easy. I called Frank. I told you I had connections.
- Rose Nylund: You know Frank Sinatra?
- Sophia Petrillo: No, Frank Caravicci! From the fish market. He's always been good to me, never a bad piece of cod. He knows Frank.
- Blanche Devereaux: Sinatra?
- Sophia Petrillo: No, Frank Tortoni, the dry cleaner. Tina's third cousin once removed.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Tina Tortoni?
- Sophia Petrillo: Tina Sinatra!
- Sophia Petrillo: It's Tuesday night, I'm cleaning out my purse.
- Rose Nylund: Did all that stuff come out of your purse?
- Sophia Petrillo: No, I was also cleaning out my ears, that's where the Feen-A-Mint and the rain bonnet came from.
- Rose Nylund: Sophia, why're you in such a bad mood?
- Sophia Petrillo: Forgive me Rose, but I haven't had sex in 15 years and it's starting to get on my nerves.
- Rose Nylund: I got tickets, too! This is such a coincidence. I was driving down Biscayne Boulevard...
- Blanche Devereaux: [cuts Rose off] No, no, no, no! Please! I cannot bear that again!
- [to Dorothy]
- Blanche Devereaux: She was listening to her car radio; big band, not all-talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number, and a dime in a door handle, then bim-bam-boom, she won the tickets!
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Take a lesson, Rose. That's how you tell a story.
- Blanche Devereaux: I asked my teacher for help like you all told me to, he said the only way I would get an A on his final is if I sleep with him.
- Rose Nylund: No!
- Blanche Devereaux: Oh yes! I just don't know what to do!
- Sophia Petrillo: Get it in writing.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I am exhausted, I went to at least a dozen ticket brokers today. They all told me the only way I'm going to get tickets is to go to a scalper.
- Rose Nylund: You can't buy from a scalper, that's a crime.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: So is eating grapes at the supermarket but you do that all the time.
- Rose Nylund: I have to test them.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, one is testing, fourteen is brunch.
- Rose Nylund: Good Lord I'm a criminal!
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Fine, as long as you already have a record, I can count you in.
- Rose Nylund: Here you go, Sophia, the perfect after dinner treat, a nice dish of Jell-O.
- Sophia Petrillo: I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in mid-air He would've filled them with helium.