The Golden Girls (TV Series)

Three on a Couch (1987)

Bea Arthur: Dorothy Zbornak

Quotes 

• [a priest is at the door, but Dorothy thinks he's answering her ad in the personals] 

  Dorothy Zbornak : I don't believe this! I'm gonna call the COPS if you don't get out of here *right now*, you SICK PERVERT!

  Sophia Petrillo : Hi, Father Rossi. Here's the canned goods for the needy.

  Dorothy Zbornak : [to Father Rossi]  Oh, my God. I am so very sorry. I promise I'll say "Hail Mary's" until Madonna gets a hit movie.

• Carl : I'm here about your ad in the paper. "Willing to do anything; $8 an hour; No job too big or small."

  Dorothy Zbornak : Oh, yes. Of course. I didn't expect people to come here. I thought I'd be going to them.

  Carl : That's the way it'll work in the future. Once my video camera is back from the shop.

  Dorothy Zbornak : So what is it you need done, Mister...

  Carl : Toto.

  Dorothy Zbornak : Mr. Toto

  Carl : Oh, no. No mister. Just Toto. You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto. At least for the next eight dollars.

• Rose Nylund : Dorothy Zbornak, you're a barbell!

  Dorothy Zbornak : That's a DUMBBELL, you twit!

• Rose Nylund : Dorothy, you owe me an apology. Your ad's right here.

  Dorothy Zbornak : [mortified]  Oh, Rose, this is the Personals column.

  Rose Nylund : So what?

  Dorothy Zbornak : So what? You put an ad in the Personals column that said I will do anything for eight dollars an hour? It's right under an ad that reads, 'History professor seeking non-smoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson.'

  Carl : Is that one signed "Doug"?

  Dorothy Zbornak : Yes, it is.

  Carl : I know Doug. He's a sick, sick man.

  Dorothy Zbornak : [as she is hustling Toto out the door]  I'm very sorry for this mix-up. Good-bye!

• Carl : [Just as Dorothy is saying goodbye with apologies to a priest she mistakenly thought was responding to her ad, Carl comes barging through the front door and approaches Rose]  Hi, here's my eight dollars. Let's get started, Dorothy.

  Rose Nylund : Oh, I'm not Dorothy, she is.

  Carl : [takes a good look at Dorothy]  I'll give you four dollars. Let's get started.

  Dorothy Zbornak : [outraged]  How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?

  Carl : [ecstatic]  Oh, great! Here's the other four dollars.

  Blanche Devereaux : [Dorothy throws Carl out, just as Blanche is coming home]  Girls. Girls, there is a bus-load of Greek sailors out front. They all want to know how many drachmas there are in eight dollars!

• Dorothy Zbornak : Rose, I have read every want-ad in the paper. Mine is not here. Are you sure you dropped it off at the newspaper office?

  Rose Nylund : Dorothy, you told me exactly what you wanted me to do a dozen times. Any idiot could have done it.

  Dorothy Zbornak : I know, honey, but you were the only one going downtown.