- Dennis Finch: Let me guess? She discovered you, taught you everything she knows, and then you dumped her cold.
- Nina Van Horn: Who told you that?
- Dennis Finch: You, at your 10th annual 39th birthday party.
- Elliot DiMauro: When Nature creates a perfect female body, men have to check it out. It's in our genetic coding.
- Dennis Finch: Our DNA likes the T n' A.
- Nina Van Horn: Death is not all it's cracked up to be. I flatlined for eight minutes and it was no picnic. There was no white light, just darkness and heat and the faint murmur of people talking backwards.
- Catherine DuChamp: Are you gonna sit down, or shall I ask the waitress for a booster seat?
- Dennis Finch: That's funny. Did you make that same joke to Napoleon?
- Jack Gallo: Good God! Men chasing fatties, Dennis dating the elderly... Has my life's work been for nothing?
- Dennis Finch: [a beautiful blonde walks by] Ooh! All hail her royal heinie.
- Elliot DiMauro: Where has she been hiding?
- Dennis Finch: Accounts layable.
- Elliot DiMauro: More like human resources.
- Dennis Finch: What?
- Elliot DiMauro: Hey, I'm trying, man.
- Catherine DuChamp: And after I paid to have that extra toe removed.
- Nina Van Horn: It was a wart!
- Catherine DuChamp: It had a nail!
- Catherine DuChamp: This is so typical of you. When I don't want you to stab me in the back, you do, and when I want you to do, you won't.
- Jack Gallo: My point is, if he wants a fat woman, why doesn't he just go out and get one? The town is full of them, and it's not like they're fleet of foot.
- Maya Gallo: Maybe you're right.
- [she sits down, a plink is heard]
- Jack Gallo: What was that?
- Maya Gallo: The button on my pants.
- Jack Gallo: Holy God! It's embedded in the wood!
- Maya Gallo: Are you fattening me up?
- Brad: What?
- Maya Gallo: Be honest with me. Are you trying to make me fat?
- Brad: [laughs dismissively] Ha ha... okay, yeah.
- Maya Gallo: This is sick!
- Brad: You must understand. I admire you for what's inside. It's just that physically I'm not attracted to you.
- Maya Gallo: So you're treating me like veal? Here you are making these speeches about judging what's inside, yet you are just as bad as men who worship thin women!
- Brad: I can't help it. You're like one hundred pounds away from being a smoking babe.
- Maya Gallo: Get out!
- Brad: Think it over, think it over. No more dieting, no more going to the gym, you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want and I will only love you more.
- Maya Gallo: [after considering it for a moment] No, no, no!
- Brad: Okay, fifty pounds and I'll spring for the elastic pants.
- Jack Gallo: Don't get me wrong, there are people who are into all sort of weird things. Men who worship feet, women who enjoy a good spanking, the powerful executive who occasionally likes to camp it up as Carol Channing.
- Maya Gallo: That last one is a little weird.
- Jack Gallo: Maybe so, but that's no reason to hassle you on the parking lot.