- Nina: As fashion editor it's my job to look good. As a Keebler elf, it's your job to make delicious little cookies.
- Jack: Dennis, I see this magazine as my castle, and you are, for lack of a better word, my gargoyle.
- Elliot: I'm going to that memorial service to inform the citizens of Loserville, New Jersey that their top export is Elliot DiMauro.
- Dennis: Good morning. Hmm, tension in the air. Let me guess: Mr. Love Machine here was going yappity-wappity about getting it on with the ladies. And Mother Superior was all, "What a pig!" And you were all, "But me likie them women." And you were all, "Boo-hoo-hoo! What about our brains?"
- Maya: Finch, do you want to get smacked?
- Dennis: Kinda. I'm not proud of it.
- Maya: Who was Mr. Farrel?
- Elliot: He was my high school coach. We used to call him Farrel the Ferret.
- Maya: Why did you call him that?
- Elliot: You know, because he was a big man.
- Maya: Why didn't you call him Farrel the Barrel?
- Elliot: People weren't that clever in my town. When the train went by, everyone would clap.
- Elliot: Nina, I need your help. I need a suit to wear to a memorial service.
- Nina: What do you want the suit to say?
- Elliot: I want it to say that I'll be sad for an hour, but on the way back, I'm having sex on a limo.
- Nina: Hugo Boss, charcoal grey. It's what my tennis instructor wore to my second husband's funeral.
- Jack: Maya, what's more important to a bird? That it has wings or that it has the confidence to fly?
- Maya: Uh... Wings?
- Jack: Wrong. Witness the penguin, a flightless bird. Do you know why penguins can't fly?
- Maya: Because its wings can't support its body mass?
- Jack: Maya, there was a time when penguins filled the sky, until the day their confidence was shattered, and they never flew again.
- Maya: Ah, I see.
- [takes away scotch bottle]
- Maya: No more for you.
- Maya: Don't worry about it. I mean, everyone's yearbook photo is a little embarra... Oh, my God! You were a little fatty.
- Maya: So, the truth finally comes out. The legendary Elliot DiMauro was once a nerd.
- Elliot: No, I wasn't.
- Maya: Nerd!
- Elliot: Ha, that's very funny.
- Maya: Nerd!
- Elliot: That's not funny.
- Maya: Nerd!
- Elliot: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Would a nerd bring a supermodel to a funeral in a stretch limo with four-hundred roses shaped in a giant tear?
- Maya: No, but the nerd king might.