Just Shoot Me! (TV Series)

King Lear Jet (1997)

Enrico Colantoni: Elliot DiMauro

Quotes 

• Jack Gallo : [looking at a photo]  Uh-oh, nipple.

  Dennis Finch : Really? Give it! I see, there's Waldo. Good eye, chief.

  Elliot DiMauro : Let me see. Oh, yeah, turkey's done.

  Maya Gallo : Hopefully, this concludes Mutual of Omaha's Nipple Safari.

  Elliot DiMauro : Oh, Maya. I forgot you were still here.

  Maya Gallo : Well, it was my fault for wearing a shirt.

• Elliot DiMauro : No one turns down Elliot DiMauro... 53 times.

• Dennis Finch : Carmen.

  Carmen Electra : Finch.

  Dennis Finch : [offers a hug]  What, no hug?

  Carmen Electra : Finch, I already hugged you twenty minutes ago in the lobby.

  Dennis Finch : Oh, right. I forgot. Forgive me?

  [they hug] 

  Elliot DiMauro : Mr. Finch, please don't squeeze the Carmen.

• Dennis Finch : Ah, I see Carmen Electra made the cover.

  Elliot DiMauro : Yeah - great shot, isn't it? Notice how I made her sexuality leap off the page.

  Dennis Finch : Oh, yeah - you're a genius. You took a picture of one of the hottest women in the world and somehow made her look beautiful. What's your secret - are you using some kind of film?

• [discussing Elliott's cover shot of Carmen Electra] 

  Elliot DiMauro : I can't wait to show it to her.

  Dennis Finch : She's just gonna turn you down again, pal.

  Elliot DiMauro : Nobody says no to Elliott DiMauro... fifty-three times.

  [sighs] 

  Dennis Finch : Yeah, there's a fine between courting and stalking. A Connecticut judge once spelled it out for me.

• Maya Gallo : How can you hate Shakespeare? In one couplet, Shakespeare is able to capture the gamut of human emotion: love, joy, sorrow, fear...

  Elliot DiMauro : Boredom.

  Maya Gallo : You too?

  Elliot DiMauro : Face it, no one actually loves Shakespeare. They just say they do, like cuddling.

  Maya Gallo : If that's so, then why have his plays been performed for four hundred years?

  Nina Van Horn : I saw Shakespeare in the park. Seemed like four hundred years.

• Elliot DiMauro : Carmen loves me. She just doesn't know how to express it.

  Dennis Finch : Yeah. That's it. She can't express it. Maybe this is what she's thinking.

  [tears the picture of Carmen Electra off the cover, tears a hole where her lips are, and puts it in front of his face, the mouth going on the hole] 

  Dennis Finch : Oh, Elliot. I'm Carmen Electra from TV's Baywatch. Get lost, you pasty freak. I wouldn't even let my stunt double give you mouth-to-mouth.

  Elliot DiMauro : That's cute. But this is what she's really thinking.

  [takes the photo and puts it to his face] 

  Elliot DiMauro : Oh, Elliot. Not only are you a genius, but you are the sexiest guy on the beach. I'd like to run in slow motion towards you and climb your lifeguard tower. Oh, help me! The riptide's got me! I'm going down! I'm going down!

  Carmen Electra : Elliot, are you through?

  Elliot DiMauro : Carmen.

  Dennis Finch : Care to make it 54?

• Elliot DiMauro : Methinks the lady doth pack too much.

  Nina Van Horn : A skycap, a skycap, my kingdom for a skycap!

  Maya Gallo : My kingdom for a muzzle.

• [Elliot and Nina are stuck in an elevator] 

  Elliot DiMauro : Oh, this is perfect. Some idiot ripped out the emergency phone and replaced it with a bottle of gin.

  Nina Van Horn : It seemed like a good idea last week.