- Nina Van Horn: I always hated Shakespeare in high school.
- Dennis Finch: Why, did he write something mean in your yearbook?
- Jack Gallo: [looking at a photo] Uh-oh, nipple.
- Dennis Finch: Really? Give it! I see, there's Waldo. Good eye, chief.
- Elliot DiMauro: Let me see. Oh, yeah, turkey's done.
- Maya Gallo: Hopefully, this concludes Mutual of Omaha's Nipple Safari.
- Elliot DiMauro: Oh, Maya. I forgot you were still here.
- Maya Gallo: Well, it was my fault for wearing a shirt.
- Dennis Finch: Carmen.
- Carmen Electra: Finch.
- Dennis Finch: [offers a hug] What, no hug?
- Carmen Electra: Finch, I already hugged you twenty minutes ago in the lobby.
- Dennis Finch: Oh, right. I forgot. Forgive me?
- [they hug]
- Elliot DiMauro: Mr. Finch, please don't squeeze the Carmen.
- Dennis Finch: Ah, I see Carmen Electra made the cover.
- Elliot DiMauro: Yeah - great shot, isn't it? Notice how I made her sexuality leap off the page.
- Dennis Finch: Oh, yeah - you're a genius. You took a picture of one of the hottest women in the world and somehow made her look beautiful. What's your secret - are you using some kind of film?
- [discussing Elliott's cover shot of Carmen Electra]
- Elliot DiMauro: I can't wait to show it to her.
- Dennis Finch: She's just gonna turn you down again, pal.
- Elliot DiMauro: Nobody says no to Elliott DiMauro... fifty-three times.
- [sighs]
- Dennis Finch: Yeah, there's a fine between courting and stalking. A Connecticut judge once spelled it out for me.
- Maya Gallo: How can you hate Shakespeare? In one couplet, Shakespeare is able to capture the gamut of human emotion: love, joy, sorrow, fear...
- Elliot DiMauro: Boredom.
- Maya Gallo: You too?
- Elliot DiMauro: Face it, no one actually loves Shakespeare. They just say they do, like cuddling.
- Maya Gallo: If that's so, then why have his plays been performed for four hundred years?
- Nina Van Horn: I saw Shakespeare in the park. Seemed like four hundred years.
- Elliot DiMauro: Carmen loves me. She just doesn't know how to express it.
- Dennis Finch: Yeah. That's it. She can't express it. Maybe this is what she's thinking.
- [tears the picture of Carmen Electra off the cover, tears a hole where her lips are, and puts it in front of his face, the mouth going on the hole]
- Dennis Finch: Oh, Elliot. I'm Carmen Electra from TV's Baywatch. Get lost, you pasty freak. I wouldn't even let my stunt double give you mouth-to-mouth.
- Elliot DiMauro: That's cute. But this is what she's really thinking.
- [takes the photo and puts it to his face]
- Elliot DiMauro: Oh, Elliot. Not only are you a genius, but you are the sexiest guy on the beach. I'd like to run in slow motion towards you and climb your lifeguard tower. Oh, help me! The riptide's got me! I'm going down! I'm going down!
- Carmen Electra: Elliot, are you through?
- Elliot DiMauro: Carmen.
- Dennis Finch: Care to make it 54?
- Maya Gallo: The man wrote 37 plays, each more brilliant than the last. Except for Pericles. I think he phoned in that one.
- Elliot DiMauro: Methinks the lady doth pack too much.
- Nina Van Horn: A skycap, a skycap, my kingdom for a skycap!
- Maya Gallo: My kingdom for a muzzle.
- [Elliot and Nina are stuck in an elevator]
- Elliot DiMauro: Oh, this is perfect. Some idiot ripped out the emergency phone and replaced it with a bottle of gin.
- Nina Van Horn: It seemed like a good idea last week.
- Jack Gallo: Does anyone else mind if I call Maya peanut?
- Dennis Finch: You should hear what we call her.
- Jack Gallo: [his electronic door is acting up] Dennis!
- Dennis Finch: What?
- Jack Gallo: I can't get the door to stop doing that thing! Is someone using the microwave?
- Dennis Finch: Yeah. Baxter is making a baked potato.
- Jack Gallo: Get in here and help me!
- Dennis Finch: Are you wasted? I'm not going anywhere near that thing. It's like a John Carpenter movie.
- Dennis Finch: Oh, you hate to see this.
- Maya Gallo: What?
- Dennis Finch: You're the only woman in here. That kind of boy-girl ratio does not favor the Finch.
- Maya Gallo: [about Jack's remote control door] Why would anyone need something like that?
- Nina Van Horn: Let me tell you about the bad day I've had. It all started when I woke up...
- [Jack closes door on her]
- Maya Gallo: I want one of those.
- Maya Gallo: How could you give those tickets to Elliot and Nina?
- Jack Gallo: They asked me for them.
- Maya Gallo: But I'm the one who loves Shakespeare!
- Jack Gallo: How was I supposed to know that?
- Maya Gallo: It was my major in college. I named the family cat Othello.
- Jack Gallo: So? You named your turtle Amelia Earhart. That didn't mean you wanted to be a pilot.
- Maya Gallo: Actually, it did. I logged in over 400 hours.
- Dennis Finch: Jack, that was Ally. Something about King Lear.
- Maya Gallo: King Lear?
- Dennis Finch: You know, to snore or not to snore?