- Carrie Heffernan: Emily and Peter blew us off again tonight.
- Doug Heffernan: Really? That's weird.
- Carrie Heffernan: They said they had to go bird shopping. Who goes bird shopping on a Saturday night? Who goes bird shopping?
- Doug Heffernan: What's the matter, babe?
- Carrie Heffernan: Emily and Peter blew us off again tonight.
- Doug Heffernan: Really? That's weird.
- Carrie Heffernan: They said they had to go bird shopping... . Who goes bird shopping on a Saturday night?... Who goes bird shopping?
- [Doug, Deacon, and Danny are sitting on the couch in the living room, eating nachos and cheese]
- Doug Heffernan: What are you doing?
- Danny Heffernan: What?
- Deacon Palmer: You're taking all the cheese.
- Danny Heffernan: It came up with the chip.
- Doug Heffernan: Yeah, 'cause you grabbed the nucleus.
- Danny Heffernan: What?
- Doug Heffernan: Every pile of nachos has one main chip that holds the whole thing together... the nucleus. You don't take the nucleus, you work around it. You honor it.
- Deacon Palmer: That's Nachos 101, man.
- Carrie Heffernan: Did you make them touch your belly hair?
- Doug Heffernan: What?
- Carrie Heffernan: DID you?
- Doug Heffernan: I have no idea what you're sayin'!
- Carrie Heffernan: Did you lift up your shirt and make Peter and Ellen touch your belly hair?
- Doug Heffernan: Yeah, and then I threw on a G-string and gave them a little lap dance, yeah!
- Doug Heffernan: [lifting up his shirt and rubbing his stomach] Is this a lot of hair right here, seriously? I mean, a lot of people say I'm hairy, but I don't think I'm hairy enough...