L.A. Law (TV Series)

Brackman Vasektimized (1987)

Alan Rachins: Douglas Brackman, Jr.

Quotes 

• Rhonda Vasek : I think I hate your wife.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : You've met her?

  Rhonda Vasek : No, I'm just jealous of her.

• Douglas Brackman, Jr. : I remember when we were first starting out, this'll sound silly, I used to make popcorn for us and we'd lie in bed till all hours watching old movies on tv. Now she says the salt make her retain water.

  Rhonda Vasek : I have a popcorn popper but I've never even taken it out the box. I don't even know if it works.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : All you have to do is plug it in, I could show you.

  Rhonda Vasek : Would you, would you show me how to pop my corn.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Lets go, now!

• Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Wellman vs. Chernov?

  Arnie Becker : The perquisites that partnership implies, I thought I might turn this little beauty over to one of our two new associates.

  Jonathan Rollins : A trial?

  Arnie Becker : Definitely.

  Jonathan Rollins : Then I want it.

  Leslie Kleinberg : Then I want it.

  Arnie Becker : Listen to the facts first. Our client Bruce Wellman, 34, was driving his classic Aston Martin, the love of his life. The only thing he really wanted me to try and save during his rather ugly divorce. It's raining hard. It skids off on to the soft shoulder of an isolated road up in Latigo Cannon. Car sits balanced precariously on a cliff while Bruce sits in the car, too scared to move. Finally, a miracle, someone drives by. Even more miraculously, actually stops to help. A 23-year-old short order cook named George Chernov. Well, Bruce tells him to go down to the Pacific Coast Highway, and call the CHP for help, but by now it's raining pretty hard and George thinks it's a little too dangerous to leave Bruce perched there on the cliff. So, George opens the door. Holding his breath, cautiously, ever so cautiously, pulls him to safety. They both breathe a huge sigh of relief. Only unfortunately, with Bruce out, the car rolls down the cliff.

  Jonathan Rollins : Our client is suing the guy that saved his life?

  Arnie Becker : Right. For murdering his car.

  Leslie Kleinberg : What about insurance?

  Arnie Becker : Well, Bruce says they won't value classic cars. Besides, the real bottom-line, he wants revenge.

  Jonathan Rollins : Excuse me, but with all due respect. Why have we taken this case?

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Bruce Wellman is the son of Ross Wellman, one of our biggest corporate clients.

  Arnie Becker : Miss Kleinberg, your call?

  [Arnie tosses a coin in the air] 

  Leslie Kleinberg : Heads.

  Arnie Becker : Tails. Jonathan, you're either free to take this turkey or you can fob it off on to Miss Kleinberg.

  [Jonathan passes the file to Leslie Kleinberg] 

• Douglas Brackman, Jr. : On to more serious matters. Franklin vs. Washington Pure Water Company. Miss Kelsey, could you illuminate us? I mean, that's what we drink here. There's nothing actually wrong with this stuff, is there?

  Ann Kelsey : Absolutely nothing. After months of discovery, all the plaintiff can come up with is some half-baked theory that sense their own personal well had certain chemicals in it. Those chemicals must have somehow gotten there from Washington Pure Plants which happened to be next door to them and since their visiting daughter drank water from the well during her pregnancy and gave birth to a deaf and blind infant, it must be Washington Pure Water's fault.

  Victor Sifuentes : What's the jury looking?

  Ann Kelsey : Impartial as I can hope for when dealing with something as emotional as a birth defect.

  Victor Sifuentes : Well, from personal experience, lots of luck.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Should we be recommending a quick settlement?

  Leland McKenzie : I'd advised against offering them anything. Not even nuisance value. In the long run, all that does is breathe more nuisance suits. My way of thinking that's bad for our whole profession. Oh, while I have to floor, may I remind you all of the fundraiser this evening for the Los Angeles Lawyers Constitutional Rights Association. Now I realize you all have many pulls on your time and your money and I don't want to exert any undue influence, but this cause; It's dear to me and a show of support would be appreciated. Ambassador Hotel, 7 O'Clock.

  [Stuart nodded] 

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : We're adjourned.