L.A. Law (TV Series)

Hand Roll Express (1988)

Michael Tucker: Stuart Markowitz

Quotes 

• Leland McKenzie : While I'm sure we're all glad that Roxanne is out of her legal difficulties, by this time we're aware that hers were not the only indiscretions committed. While personal investments are, as a rule, personal business, anyone trading on stock tips even remotely questionable is compromising the integrity of this firm. I trust that those of you involved will take appropriate steps to rectify the situation.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Leland, if I may, the only thing I would add is that since Roxanne's matter with the U.S. Attorney's Office is concluded, I'd like to give her 2 weeks' notice before the close of business today and start interviewing for a replacement.

  Michael Kuzak : Now wait a minute, it hasn't been established that Roxanne knew that those tips were illegal.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : That maybe, but this isn't a criminal prosecution. It's a law firm depending upon the good judgment of its employees. Roxanne let us down. Get rid of her.

  Stuart Markowitz : Uh-uh. If she didn't know the tips were based on inside information, how can we punish her?

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : And what was her conduct when she did know? Did she immediately offer her cooperation to the federal prosecutor and seek to contain the damage or was her first priority to shield her paramour and further involved this firm's time and manpower in some tawdry little melodrama?

  Arnie Becker : Who the hell are you to vilify her? How many times have you had to call out for help for the simple reason that you couldn't keep your fly zipped?

  Leland McKenzie : All right, Arnold, let's not get into that now.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Whatever past scrapes, I've gotten into, I've never put this firm in jeopardy.

  Arnie Becker : For all your sanctimonious braying, Douglas, neither has she.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Well, I don't intend to let this drop.

  Arnie Becker : Fine, let me make things very clear then. You can express your outrage about this incident. We can have a series of discussions about moral consequences, situational ethics, or whatever you want. Just so you know, if you fire Roxanne, I walk out right behind her.

  [Arnie leaves and heads out of the Conference room. Ann Kelsey is to blame for Roxanne's insider trading. Leland and Douglas need a moment of silence] 

• Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Jonathan, McMurray vs. Brinkley.

  Jonathan Rollins : Uh, $185,000 award plus costs.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : That brings Mr. Rollins to 5 and 0. I'd like to see those kind of stats from some other people around here. Seidell tax audits?

  Stuart Markowitz : Yeah, I'm not going to have anything definitive on that until Friday.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Emile's vs. Southland Magazine.

  Victor Sifuentes : Opening arguments scheduled for today.

  Abby Perkins : Your case may be a editorial section of the L.A. Times today.

  Jonathan Rollins : I never would've thought a restaurant review could generate this kind of controversy.

  Stuart Markowitz : Are you kidding? Lorna Landsberg - Who by the way I'd love to meet sometime if you could.

  [Victor nodded] 

  Stuart Markowitz : She's probably the most influential food critic around. She makes and breaks restaurant.

  Victor Sifuentes : More importantly this is potentially a landmark First Amendment case. The same elements that were in Westmoreland vs. CBS, Tavoulareas vs. the Washington Post, Sharon vs. Time Magazine. They're all there. It is the kind of case that makes laws.

  Michael Kuzak : Immortality, Victor. Nothing less.

  Leland McKenzie : It's a serious issue though, if you don't have a free press if they're cowered by fear of being sued.

  Arnie Becker : Yeah, but on the other hand, is the press entitled to be malicious if it means this guy with the restaurant suffers.

  [Leland shrugged] 

  Michael Kuzak : Was H.L. Mencken malicious? Lincoln Steffens, was he malicious? If you don't like someone's opinion, it's easy to call him malicious.

  Stuart Markowitz : Yeah, and there's something else really important to consider here. We now have a client who knows Spago's private number. We'll never be shut out a table there again.

  [Ann laughs. Jonathan laughs, too] 

  Arnie Becker : Could you find out for me, Victor, if she knows of a restaurant that's serving Chinese food from the Hakka region? I think that this might be the next big cuisine.

  [Abby and Stuart laughing] 

• Stuart Markowitz : When he realizes that it totally skews the market.

  [to the waiter] 

  Stuart Markowitz : Yeah, just a little bit on the salad. People are invited to invest their money and publicly held corporation as though they had a fair shot. What they're getting here is a rigged deck.

  Ann Kelsey : That seems to me the deck was rigged long before insider trading.

  Stuart Markowitz : What?

  Ann Kelsey : Big investment bankers aren't business to give Johnny small-time a fair shot.

  Stuart Markowitz : There's a big difference between having an edge because you're smarter and having an edge because you're a criminal.

  Ann Kelsey : Stuart, I have a confession to make. The watch I gave you, I bought it with money I made from one of Roxanne's stock tips.

  Stuart Markowitz : This watch? My watch?

  Ann Kelsey : Yeah.

  Stuart Markowitz : [Stuart looking weird at the restaurant]  Ann, how could - Oh!

  Ann Kelsey : Stuart, it doesn't change the fact that it was an expression of my love for you.

  Stuart Markowitz : [Putting down his fork]  I don't understand, how could you do something like this? Maybe you can say that Roxanne didn't know that the tips were illegal, but you're a lawyer. She's getting them from an arbitrageur. They're always right. At some point, don't you put two and two together?

  Ann Kelsey : I just didn't stop to analyze it quite that thoroughly, Stuart.

  Stuart Markowitz : Well, maybe you should have.

  Ann Kelsey : Maybe I should have. But since I didn't, can't you accept the watch in the spirit in which it was given?

  Stuart Markowitz : I don't know.

  [Stuart looking up time] 

  Stuart Markowitz : I love this watch. But I hate the idea that every time I look at the time, I'm going to think of it is - I don't know, ill-gotten gains or something.

  Ann Kelsey : Stuart, the watch is bought and paid for. What do you want me to do? Hock it and give money to charity? Would that make you feel better?

  Stuart Markowitz : I don't know.

• Ann Kelsey : Stuart, don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit?

  Stuart Markowitz : How would you feel if I told you your diamond engagement ring was bought with stolen money?

  Ann Kelsey : It's not the same thing.

  Stuart Markowitz : How is it different, Ann?

  Ann Kelsey : I don't know.

  Stuart Markowitz : I just wish we could purge ourselves of this something.

  Robert Alden : [the Yuppie Bandit approaches]  Excuse me. Have you got the time?

  Stuart Markowitz : Yeah. It's 10:30.

  Robert Alden : Oh, nice watch.

  Stuart Markowitz : Thanks.

  Robert Alden : Can I have it?

  Stuart Markowitz : What?

  Robert Alden : [Pointing the gun]  It's stick-up time.

  Ann Kelsey : Stuart.

• [last lines] 

  Robert Alden : Hand it over. Watch, rings, money, come on.

  [Stuart hand over his Rolex Watch and his ring] 

  Robert Alden : You, too, Miss.

  Stuart Markowitz : Do as he says, Ann.

  [Ann handing in her purse, her diamond ring, but keep her wedding ring] 

  Ann Kelsey : Can I keep my wedding ring?

  Robert Alden : Well, in consideration of the watch and the diamond ring, what the hell. Okay.

  [Ann put her wedding ring back in her finger] 

  Robert Alden : Hey, aren't you going to say thank you?

  Ann Kelsey : Thank you.

  Robert Alden : Okay. Attorneys, right? Well, you folks have a nice evening.

  [a car approaches with tires screeching and the yuppie bandit heads to the getaway car and gets away. Ann Kelsey and Stuart Markowitz are beside themselves having been mugged. Two of them having been robbed in the evening] 

  Ann Kelsey : You wanted a purge? You got a purge.

  Stuart Markowitz : Purge? I just purged my shorts.