L.A. Law (TV Series)

Something Old, Something Nude (1991)

Alan Rachins: Douglas Brackman, Jr.

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Leland, we have to face reality. When Victor and Michael left the firm, litigation fell off. When Jack Sollers went, it nose-dived. Now Abby's leaving and taking more business with her.

  Leland McKenzie : All right. The financial situation is serious, but it's not critical.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : I disagree. In the past three months, we've lost four major corporate clients including Tammon Group. The bank is so nervous that they're reviewing our line of credit.

  Leland McKenzie : Oh, that's ridiculous. They're overreacting.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : It gets worse. I got a letter this morning from Perry Littlefield, the agent from our insurance company. Because of the Rosalind Shays' lawsuit and claim from last year, Ballantine is doubling our liability premium. And because of Ann Kelsey's suspension, malpractice is going up to half a million.

  Leland McKenzie : Over my dead body! We'll take our business elsewhere. I'll make a loan myself if I have to.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : You can't keep propping up the firm with Rosalind's money. We have to consider alternatives.

  Leland McKenzie : I already told you, I will not consider renting office space to Susan Bloom.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : [speaking quietly]  Her practice is phenomenal. She represents half of Hollywood and she's willing to pay top dollar.

  Leland McKenzie : They call her "Jaws", Douglas.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : [almost whispering]  A rumor. Printed in the same tabloid rag that called me a bald bore last year while I was dating Vanna White.

  Leland McKenzie : Susan Bloom is everything I hate about entertainment law - cheap, phony, utterly devoid of ethics.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Shh!

  [Douglas really whispering] 

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : You don't even know her. She's dynamic, she's... she's cutting edge, she's a litigator anyone would be proud to share space with.

  Leland McKenzie : Why are you whispering, Douglas?

  [Douglas turns back over there, there's someone there at Douglas' office. Douglas whispering] 

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : She's in my office. She's taken the trouble to stop by here while on her way to a very important film screening for one her clients in Hollywood.

  Leland McKenzie : Bloom is here? Now?

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Just meet her. That's all I ask.

• [Leland and Douglas enter to see - Susan Bloom sitting in a chair with both of her feet plopped up on Douglas' desk, calmly reading/prying through one of his legal files. She's a middle-aged, obese woman, wearing an expensive-looking neon caftan with various expensive gold jewelry and puffs on a cigarette. McKenzie shoots Brackman a look. Brackman pastes on a smile as he's done many times before involving meeting people with money] 

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Susan Bloom, Leland McKenzie.

  [Susan removes her feet from the desk, turns and faces Leland and Douglas while she's smoking and still sitting at the desk] 

  Susan Bloom : [thick Southern accent]  Hiya, Leland! I hear ya need someone to save your ass.

  [Susan plops one of her legs back on top of the desk while continuing to smoke. Leland is shocked and offended. Brackman, in his typical sycophantic behavior, continues to politely smile at her] 

• [All filing in or getting coffee, including Castroverti minus Becker and Markowitz. C.J. passes Kelsey returning to the firm for the first time since her suspension at the end of the previous season; Kelsey's hair is now dyed dark red] 

  Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb : Great hair.

  Ann Kelsey : Thanks.

  Leland McKenzie : Before we start, I have an announcement. For those of you who don't know, Abigail Perkins is no longer with the firm.

  Ann Kelsey : What?

  Jonathan Rollins : You're kidding.

  Tommy Mullaney : Is she okay?

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : She got a huge offer from McCann Jones, we couldn't match it, she resigned her partnership last night. And frankly, she couldn't have picked a worse time.

  Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb : Doug, her father had a stroke. She's putting him in a nursing home which is gonna costs God knows how much. She needs some security.

  Ann Kelsey : You knew about this?

  Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb : Uh-huh.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Since there's nothing we can do, I suggest we move on. I'd like to introduce our new associate, Bill Castroverti. Some of you are familiar with his talents as a litigator.

  Tommy Mullaney : Familiar? He killed me.

  Jonathan Rollins : Welcome to our side.

  Billy Castroverti : Thanks. It's weird to be here.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : He'll be moving into Victor's old office. Second, a heartfelt welcome back to Ann Kelsey. Believe me, you were missed.

  Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb : Hear, Hear!

  Jonathan Rollins : All right. It's about time.

  [Tommy applause to Kelsey since her more than three months suspension] 

  Ann Kelsey : It's good to be back.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Too bad Stuart can't say the same.

  Ann Kelsey : He's with Matthew. Amalia quit two days ago and we've been going crazy trying to replace her.

• Arnie Becker : [Ann is interrupted by Becker steaming in]  What is this crap, Douglas? I come in, I'm running late, my messages haven't been picked up, my mail hasn't been opened and there's a bimbo sitting outside my office telling me Gwen has serving jury duty. I thought you were going to get her excused.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : She didn't want me to. You'll just have to survive with a temp.

  Arnie Becker : I have special needs, Douglas.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Personnel is Roxanne's department. Use your influence.

  [to the group] 

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Jonathan has the Lunsford deposition, C.J. starts People vs. Manheim, I meet on the Powell trust. Anything else?

  [No one answer] 

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Uh, one more note. We may be renting out our extra office space...

  Leland McKenzie : This isn't settled yet.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Then we're adjourned.

  [And they all disperse]