L.A. Law (TV Series)

The Venus Butterfly (1986)

Corbin Bernsen: Arnie Becker

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Arnie Becker : So, my client, Mrs. Troutman, decides that she needs to get away for a few days. She packs her things into her car, drives down to her condo in Palm Springs, and puts the key in the door. She opens the door, kicks off her high-heeled shoes, walks down the hallway to the bedroom to collapse in the bed, opens the bedroom door only to find the surprise of her life: her loving husband, in the bed... in the arms of another woman.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Excuse me, Arnold. But why are we squandering valuable staff meeting time to hear this boring ressatation of a mondane little domestic drama?

  Arnie Becker : You have interrupted me right at the punchline, Douglas!

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Well?

  Arnie Becker : You see, that was no "woman." That... was his wife.

  [everyone looks at Arnie with puzzlement] 

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : I'm afraid I'm not tracking.

  Arnie Becker : Bigamy. Bigamy! Do you know how rare it is? This is the divorce lawyer equilivant of a hole-in-one!

• Angela Sipriano : You're going to find this interesting. Your original client was Mrs. Foster F. Troutman. He told her his middle name was Farrell. The one in Palm Springs is Mrs. Foster J. Troutman. He told her his middle named was James. The new ones I found are Mrs. Foster C for Charles, E for Errol, and K for Kenneth.

  Arnie Becker : Alphabetical order?

  Angela Sipriano : Exactly. Which means that there's most likely 11 of them. A, B, D, G, H, and I still unaccounted for.

  Stuart Markowitz : And what about L through Z?

  Arnie Becker : How the hell does he do it? Bee pollen?

  Angela Sipriano : While we're on that subject, what Mr. Foster does is that he takes their stuff. Jewelry, furs, cars, etc., report them stolen, live on the settlement from the insurance company, and he gives the stolen item to another wife as a gift.

  Stuart Markowitz : You know, I'm not a violent man by nature... but boy, what I would really enjoy is five minutes alone in an elevator with this guy!

  [Markowitz slams his right fist into his left hand simulating a punch] 

  Angela Sipriano : Me too. But not for the same reason. I'd like to find out what the big attraction is.

• [Becker, Markowitz, and Kelsey are loudly arguing over which one of them will get the late Norman Chaney's office] 

  Arnie Becker : I had dibs on this office the day he croaked!

  Stuart Markowitz : Forget it, Arnie! It doesn't work that way!

  Ann Kelsey : You move in here Arnie, and I will scratch the paint off your Porsche!

  [McKenzie enters] 

  Leland McKenzie : SHUT UP!

  [Becker, Markowitz and Kelsey are now silent] 

  Leland McKenzie : Do you realize that your bickering can be heard throughout the complex? Keep this in mind: if you three cannot find some mature and intelligent matter in which to settle this within the next three minutes, this office will be turned into a conference room!

  [McKenzie exits and closes the office door shut] 

  Arnie Becker : All right. Under the circumstances and given the absence of time, there is only one way to settle this.

  Ann Kelsey : What?

  [Becker removes his suit jacket and holds out his clenched fists] 

  Stuart Markowitz : Arnie!

  Arnie Becker : Come on, we haven't got a lot of time. Get 'em out there. Get them out!

  [Markowitz and Kelsey hold out their fists and it is shown that they are playing 'potatos'] 

  Arnie Becker : One potato/two potato/three potato/four. Five potato/six potato/seven potato/more.

  [to Kelsey] 

  Arnie Becker : Out. One potato/two potato/three potato/more. Five potato/six potato/seven potato... more.

  Stuart Markowitz : [to Becker; smirks]  Out.