- Ben Conrad: Preacher, are you going to marry me or not?
- Dudley Leicester: I thought you were planning on marrying Miss Belleflower.
- Newton Weekes: [Dudley is pretending to be an itinerant preacher] Friends, this is Reverend Jones. Madam, if you think he looks young, he thinks old.
- Dudley Leicester: And this, brethren and sisteren, is one of my converts. When I found this unfortunate soul, he was nothing but a bum - a poor, penniless, drunken, no-good bum. Yes, it took a lot of time, but I finally showed him the error of his ways.
- Chad Cooper: Oh, and just one thing. If I were you, I wouldn't show my face around here for a while.
- Dudley Leicester: Nor any other portion of our anatomy, either.
- Dudley Leicester: [the horse threw Newton and Dudley off the stage coach] That's it! That's the answer!
- Newton Weekes: What is?
- Dudley Leicester: Say New York and she stops there! She does want to go home. But if you say Three Forks...
- [the horse gallops away and drags the stage coach]
- Dudley Leicester: Newton?
- Newton Weekes: Yes, Dudley?
- Dudley Leicester: Mind if I ask you a question?
- Newton Weekes: Not at all.
- Dudley Leicester: Where are we going?
- Newton Weekes: Home, of course.
- Dudley Leicester: We'll never get there. We've got no money.
- Newton Weekes: We're not in jail.
- Dudley Leicester: We've got no jobs!
- Newton Weekes: We have our wardrobe trunk!
- Dudley Leicester: We're going to get awfully hungry.
- Newton Weekes: We have our health!
- Dudley Leicester: [about to cry] We're in terrible trouble aren't we?
- Newton Weekes: You're not going to cry are you? Right out here in front of everybody?
- [no one's around]
- Dudley Leicester: In front of who?
- Newton Weekes: Me. ME! Oh, Dudley.