- Conan O'Brien: [in the monologue] And then, US Magazine, they're always right...
- [audience laughter]
- Conan O'Brien: US Magazine... I DID turn out to be gay. Uh...
- [audience laughter]
- Conan O'Brien: US Magazine... I had no idea! US Magazine... pictures don't lie. US Magazine... US Magazine, and I'm gonna keep saying it...
- [audience laughter]
- Conan O'Brien: Four hours later: "US Magazine! US Magazine! US Magazine! US Magazine! US Magazine! US Magazine! US Magazine!"
- [waves hands]
- Conan O'Brien: You gotta do that to go backwards. According to the...
- [chuckles]
- Conan O'Brien: US Magazine reports- I can't stop! I'm in a loop! "He's in a loop." There's this magazine that says...
- [audience laughter]
- Conan O'Brien: "Nicely done."... That Britney Spears recently, Britney Spears got so angry with Kevin Federline that she moved out of the house for a week.
- [audience oohs]
- Conan O'Brien: Yeah, apparently, apparently Britney told Federline, "Pull the house over, I'm getting out."
- [audience laughter; Conan mimes it]
- Conan O'Brien: I'm an ass, okay.