- Henry Blake: Klinger! It's 4:00 in the afternoon, and you're still in a housecoat? Put on a dress! You never know who might be coming around!
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes, sir!
- Henry Blake: Boy, oh boy, oh boy! You gotta stay on top of these guys every minute!
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [on the phone] Oh yeah? Well this is Col. Blake. I want that chopper here by 1600. And that's an order, Captain!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar?
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Sir?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Since when have you been promoted to me?
- Frank Burns: You still don't realize that you're under house arrest. That you're not a free man. Now watch this: I can step out. I can step in. Out... in. Out... in. That's a free man.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Very good. Now let's see you go to Tahiti for the leprosy festival.
- Frank Burns: Get your dirty hands off me!
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Frank, I just washed them!
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: I've never been to a rape before.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Maybe for your next birthday.
- Colonel Reese: I, um... I hear your marriage isn't all beer and skittles.
- Frank Burns: Uhm, Louise. She has no sense of order. She's always getting into my drawer and mixing up my marbles.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Drink up, for tomorrow we die.
- Lt. Baker, RN: If I drink too much, I'll get hot flashes.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We'll take pictures.
- Henry Blake: Jiminy Crickets, Frank! Do you know what has to be done to court-martial somebody? I mean, the-the paperwork?
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Reading the regulation] "Pending the completion of the preliminary investigation by the C.O. the accused officer is relieved of duty and placed under house arrest." He can't leave his tent.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You mean I just get to stay in and sleep and eat meals and read?
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Yes, sir.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Henry and Frank] Take me. I'm yours. I surrender. And I'll fight to the death any chance to set me free.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I know my job! I didn't get to be major by just sitting on my duff.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, somebody did.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Radar is wearing elevated shoes] Captain Pierce.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, what's happened?
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Happened?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, either you've been raised or the camp's been lowered.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: I specifically told Major Burns that a bar of soap on the floor can be very slippery.
- Henry Blake: Frank says Pierce hit him.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Oh, no, no, Henry. When Frank fell on the soap, Hawkeye tried to break his fall.
- Henry Blake: By jamming his fist in Frank's eye?
- Henry Blake: All right, now how did Frank get the black eye?
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: When he fell he hit the sink.
- Henry Blake: Whammo!
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Right!
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Should I write "whammo", sir?
- Henry Blake: Uh, no, no, it doesn't sound too G.I. Make it...
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: ..."Socko".
- Henry Blake: Uh, no, no. That's too Moon Mullins. Make it "Bam". Okay, so Frank slipped, fell, hit the sink.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: That's my testimony.
- Henry Blake: Okeydokey.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [writes] "Okeydokey."
- Henry Blake: No, strike the okeydokey. Make it, uh, "very well".
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Very well.
- P.A. Announcer: [Voice over] Attention. Due to last night's groping, tomorrow night's movie will be shown with the lights on.