- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [meeting Major Burns for the first time, drunk; he salutes, then breaks up laughing] What say you, Ferret Face?
- [collapses, still laughing, on Major Houlihan]
- B.J.: You know, I really can't wait to see the place.
- Hawkeye: You can wait. You've heard of a military post? This is a compost. Everything we've got is surplus. The lice are surplus. Only the wounded are new. Supplies are a joke. The tedium is relieved only by the boredom. I can't think of a single reason why we're here, except we're needed. So, pitch in, muddle through, pip pip and the whole schmear. Ours not to reason why, ours not to let 'em die.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [snipers begin shooting as they finish changing a tire] Radar, get in the Jeep!
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [not wanting to abandon the equipment] This is a general's jack!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Salute it and get in!
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: They shoot at doctors?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Doctors, lawyers, anything, any movement.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [bullets hitting jeep] I think I just had one.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [speeding down the road] I lost my hat!
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [no response] I lost my hat!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Your cookies will be next.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [shakes head] He's had it.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Well, let's try!
- [turns soldier over. Takes one look, puts soldier down, crawls short distance, and vomits]
- M.P. Lieutenant: Sir, this jeep is the property of Major General Cornell Dickering.
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: I don't know what you're talking about!
- M.P. Lieutenant: You'll have to come with me, sir.
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: What?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'd vouch for this man's character, Lieutenant, but he doesn't have any.
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Snot! Snot! Snot!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [lieutenant looks suspicious] Have I ever lied to you?
- M.P. Lieutenant: Different.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Huh?
- M.P. Lieutenant: The jeep is different!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yes, good eye. This different jeep is definitely different. We picked this one up in Seoul. It was stolen from our CO.
- M.P. Lieutenant: What's his name?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Burns. Major Frank Burns. Or Ferret Face. He answers to both.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [after driving through a checkpoint] What are they going to do? Throw us out of the war?
- Bartender at Kimpo: [after serving a Grape Nehi to "Captain" Radar O'Reilly] Does the captain want a straw?
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: We don't use straws in combat, fella.
- Radar: Hey! Hey! Wait a minute! I can't go in there!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Pish Tosh!
- Radar: Aw, c'mon. I'm just a corporal!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Do you think that kept Hitler out of the Officer's Club?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I really wouldn't want to get him into any trouble.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: No problem. Just let me have some of your costume jewelry.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Uh, I've had only five weeks of indoctrination. Is this what they call a field promotion?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: For being brave and nearsighted above and beyond the call.
- Radar: Losing a Jeep. Impersonating an officer. All in two hours. If I get in trouble, my mother will kill me!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What are mothers for?
- Radar: Hey! What about my stripes?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, you've heard of lieutenant-generals? Sergeant-majors? You are now a corporal-captain.
- [salutes]
- Radar: [under his breath] Hawk!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Huh?
- Radar: That colonel.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What colonel? There's enough brass in here to make a spittoon.
- Radar: Over there at eight o'clock. He keeps staring at me.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's probably crazy about you.
- Radar: [under his breath] Hawk!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Huh?
- Radar: [under his breath] He's coming over here!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Play hard to get.
- Radar: Don't horse around!
- Colonel: Boys.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Sir.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Colonel.
- Colonel: You all know this is an Officer's Club, don't you?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm a Captain, Plain Clothes Division.
- Colonel: Uh huh. Corporal Stripes and Captains Bars?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's a new directive from the Pentagon. That's right out of G2 and G3 making a G5 Combined Officers Op-Tech Glitch. We're experimenting with a new rank: Corporal-Captain. We're down here taking a survey, to see, uh, you know, if everybody likes it, uh, asking everybody in Seoul.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Coleman Hawkins, right?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right.
- Colonel: Well, I don't like it. I don't like it at all!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to BJ] Uh, put down one "No;" one "Against."
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Right. One "Negative; Corporal-Captain."
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Thank you, Colonel. We really appreciate your help in this.
- Colonel: No, Sir! I don't like it at all!
- Radar: He doesn't like it at all.
- Radar: I'll drive, I'll drive!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm driving!
- Radar: But sir, you can't!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Why not? Says who?
- Radar: You're not sober, sir.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh, i'd really resent that if I wasn't drunk!
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Frank, look! Hunnicutt's fresh out of residency. Stanford medical school. Wonderful qualifications!
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: And look at this, Tau Phi Epsilon.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Is that a very selective fraternity?
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Very! They *blackballed* me.
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: [speculating about B.J. Hunnicutt] You know Margaret, I have a feeling. I'll bet he's Republican.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: That would be too much to ask.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Frank.
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Yes dear?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: For a moment there, you looked like you had a chin.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: That jeep is government property.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: So are you.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I never thought of it that way.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [escorting Radar and BJ into Rosie's Bar] Forward... drink!