- [Ted is pestering Lou about losing his cue card boy]
- Lou Grant: What do you want, Ted?
- Ted Baxter: It's about my cue card boy, Lou!
- Lou Grant: Oh, yeah, that's right. Mary, hire somebody to do idiot cards for Ted.
- Ted Baxter: Don't call them "idiot cards." I resent that. They're called "cue cards."
- Lou Grant: Uh-huh. I'm - I'm sorry, Ted. Mary, hire somebody to do cue cards for the idiot.
- [Ted is complaining to Mary that he doesn't like the new cue card *girl*]
- Ted Baxter: And there's, uh, there's something else, too. I, ahem, I don't feel right, you know, ahem, when I make, ahem, certain kind of jokes during the commercial breaks when a girl's around.
- Mary Richards: Well, Ted, if you don't feel right, then don't make them.
- Ted Baxter: Well, I... I have to! They keep the little people relaxed. They keep them sort of loose, you know? I need a loose crew, Mary!
- Murray Slaughter: Ted, if you don't have a loose screw, nobody does.
- Lou Grant: Now I need a plumber for my house.
- Mary Richards: What's wrong?
- Lou Grant: My grandson made a wonderful discovery over the weekend. You cannot flush a banana.