The Mary Tyler Moore Show (TV Series)

The Critic (1977)

Eric Braeden: Karl Heller

Quotes 

• Ted Baxter : [Ted's sitting next to Professor Karl Heller, who's about to do his first critique on the 6 O'Clock News]  And now, the distinguished professor, Karl Heller. Karl; what are you going to criticise tonight?

  Karl Heller : When I accepted the job as 'cultural watchdog,' to this metropolis, my immediate question was; 'what sort of people live here?' At first glance, this town might appear to be an enclave of be-knighted yahoos...

  Ted Baxter : Well, I couldn't agree more...

  [Ted smiles, vacuously, then gets serious-looking] 

  Ted Baxter : ... unless, of course that's bad.

  Karl Heller : I wondered; are their cultural pretensions as vacant as their smiles? Is this really the heart, of what Mencken called the 'booboisie'?

  Lou Grant : [Watching with Murray and Mary in the newsroom]  He just called our entire audience 'boobs, and 'yahoos.'

  Mary Richards : May-maybe that was just a teaser. May, maybe he was kidding

  Karl Heller : It is said that a people get the culture they deserve. In the night's to come,we shall try to find out exactly why no first-rate art has ever been created in this vacant - but intellectually famished - arid - and sterile city.

  Ted Baxter : [Ted, who's been staring at Karl, unfolds his arms and turns to the camera, and clears his throat]  This is, uh... Ted Baxter

  [nervously smiling] 

  Ted Baxter : saying 'good night,' from Phoenix, Arizona.

• Murray Slaughter : [Murray walks up to introduce himself, and Ted, to Professor Heller at the cocktail party]  Professor, uh, I'm Murray Slaughter,

  [shakes the professor's hand] 

  Murray Slaughter : I've enjoyed your writing

  Karl Heller : Thank you, thank you. I'd rather you hadn't. What we enjoy, we forget. What irritates stays with us.

  Murray Slaughter : That reminds me; do you know Ted Baxter?

• Sue Ann Nivens : [Everyone's angry at Karl, for what his putting down everyone at WJM. Sue Ann walks in, holding a pie, ready to be thrown, in her hand]  All right, professor

  Karl Heller : [Sue Ann walks straight up to Karl]  I have nothing to fear from you, either. You're sensible, rational people, and sensible rational people do not throw either pies, or punches, at someone's face for simply stating an honest opinion.

  [Sue Ann gets ready to throw the pie, but, can't] 

  Karl Heller : Only a fool would vent his frustration in those ways

  [Just then, the studio door bursts open. Ted starts to walk towards the front door, but, seeing Sue Ann, with the pie in her cocked hand, pushes it in to Karl's face] 

• Mary Richards : [At Mel's office party or, his snooty friend, Professor Karl Heller, Mary walks up to Karl as he's chatting with Sue Ann - who's circling Karl like a bumble bee - about theatre]  I just love the theatre. I just saw a revival of My Fair Lady. What a perfect show

  [she says effusively] 

  Mary Richards : .

  Karl Heller : Well, I personally have nothing against derivative schmaltz

  Mary Richards : [Mary, nervously replies]  Granted, it did have it's flaws...

  Karl Heller : [Begins replying w/out letting Mary finish, and doesn't even look in Mary's direction]  But, I don't see how a marriage of second-rate Shaw, and third-rate operetta can produce anything but drivel.

  [Looks at Mary] 

  Mary Richards : [Avoiding eye contact]  Not , not a great show, by any means, but, uh

  [looks at Karl] 

  Mary Richards : the 'costumes

  [said with enthusiasm] 

  Karl Heller : [Looking away from Mary]  Hollow pomp. Draped in fruity decadence.

  [Looks at Mary] 

  Mary Richards : Check! I think, I'm, uh, I just get another... drink

  [Mary smiles, and walks away] 

• Karl Heller : [Mel's just brought Mary over to introduce her to Professor Karl Heller, who's standing their with Sue Ann, who's obviously putting her moves on him]  Tell me, Miss Richards, are all the women in Minneapolis as lovely as you?

  Sue Ann Nivens : Ye-e-e-sssss!

• Ted Baxter : [Murray's just introduced Ted to the professor]  Professor, I understand your aces in the 'brain-game.'

  Karl Heller : [Looks confused]  Of who is this person doing a parody?

  [Sue Ann laughs] 

  Ted Baxter : [Arms folded in 'seriousness']  We had a couple of egg-heads in my family. But, I'm the one that became rich and famous, funny, isn't it?

  Karl Heller : No, not really. One never goes broke underestimating the public's taste.

  Ted Baxter : [Acting like he understands - but doesn't, he smiles]  A-ha, ha, ha

  [Ted still smiling, turns away, and looks serious, and skulks away] 

• Murray Slaughter : I'm a movie buff, myself. I love to watch them on television.

  Karl Heller : That's where they belong

  Murray Slaughter : Come on, you must like some movies.

  Karl Heller : Well, it is best which seldom is. A film can be powerful. There was one absolutely first-rate Ukrainian film at the last festival. It was called; Blood On A Dog's Face. It was about deformity.

  Murray Slaughter : Oh, boy.

  [Murray starts to look queasy] 

  Karl Heller : But, somehow the subtitles missed all the whimsy.

• Ted Baxter : Tonight, our critic-at-large turns his attention to the TV scene. Karl.

  Murray Slaughter : [Mary and Murray in the newsroom, watching on Murray's TV]  Well, I wonder who Jack-The-Ripper will attack tonight.

  Karl Heller : I think it is only fair that we apply the same critical standards to television that we do to anything else.

  Ted Baxter : Very sound thinking.

  Karl Heller : [Without looking at Ted]  Thank you.I think our first task out to be to putter own house in order.

  Ted Baxter : Call them the way you see them, Karl. Let the' chiperinos' fall where they may.

  [Smiles] 

  Karl Heller : What you're watching at this very moment is a classic example of what's wrong with television in this town.

  [Though Ted's smiling at Karl, he has no clue what Karl meant] 

  Karl Heller : It is the pursuit of personality at the expense of competence.

  Ted Baxter : [All serious-faced]  I'm not sure I understand.

  Karl Heller : [Not even looking at Ted]  I'm sure you don't.

  [Ted nervously looks off-camera] 

  Karl Heller : Let's face I; WJM is the biggest offender in that regard. From the dowdy frumpy of The Happy Homemaker Show, to the bumbling, foot-in-the-mouth delivery of a certain anchorman

  [Ted -utterly confused - slowly tuns his gaze off-camera to see if anyone knows what Karl's talking about] 

  Karl Heller : And backing them up, right down the line

  [Murray shakes his head, as Mary looks on in disbelief] 

  Karl Heller : are dull writing, inept staging, and high school production methods.

  [Murray looks mad, and Mary looks mad, as well] 

  Karl Heller : Well, there you are; the emperor has no clothes

  [Ted looks too see if he's wearing clothes, then again, looks off-camera, confused] 

  Karl Heller : Tomorrow, we shall look at some other stations in town, and see if they fair any better. Meanwhile this is Karl Heller saying; let the viewer beware.

  Mary Richards : [Murray turns the TV off]  'High school production methods?'

  Murray Slaughter : 'Dull writing.' Buy, he didn't miss anybody, did he?

  Lou Grant : [Lou's door opens, and he slams his door, and walks to Murray]  Murray; be a good guy, and go buy me a gun.

  [Lou pulls out a wad of cash, and hands it to Murray] 

• Maitre D' : Is something the matter with the wine, sir?

  Karl Heller : It's corked, cloudy, bitter, over-priced, and totally unacceptable.

  Mary Richards : Maybe that first swallow just went down the wrong way.