Monty Python's Flying Circus (TV Series)

The Spanish Inquisition (1970)

Michael Palin: It's Man, Cardinal Ximenez, Second Businessman, Man in Cap, Movie Trailers Announcer, Foreman

Photos 

Quotes 

• Reg : Trouble at t'mill.

  Lady M : Oh, no! What sort of trouble?

  Reg : One on't cross beams gone owt askew on't treddle.

  Lady M : Pardon?

  Reg : One on't cross beams gone owt askew on't treddle.

  Lady M : I don't understand what you're saying.

  Reg : One of the cross beams has gone out of skew on the treadle.

  Lady M : Well, what on earth does that mean?

  Reg : I don't know! - Mr. Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!

  [the door flies open and in come three Cardinals in red robes] 

  Cardinal Ximinez : NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise!... Surprise and fear... fear and surprise... Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency! Our three weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... Our four... no... Amongst our weapons... Hmf... Amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surpr... I'll come in again.

  [They leave] 

  Reg : [gamely]  I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

  [They burst in again] 

  Ximinez : NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!... Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!

• [repeated line] 

  Cardinal Ximinez : NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!

• Cardinal Ximinez : [Just as the episode finishes]  NOBODY expects the Spa - oh, bugger.

• [the Spanish Inquisition is interrogating an old lady] 

  Cardinal Ximinez : Cardinal Fang! Fetch... the Comfy Chair!

  [crashing dramatic chord] 

  Cardinal Fang : [horrified]  The Comfy Chair?

  [Fang scuttles off, then returns with the Comfy Chair and sits the old lady down in it] 

  Cardinal Ximinez : Now, you will sit in this chair until lunchtime, with nothing but a cup of coffee at 11!

• Biggles : Here they are, lord.

  Ximinez : Now, old lady - you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly - *two* last chances. And you shall be free - *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

  Dear Old Lady : I don't know what you're talking about.

  Ximinez : Right! If that's the way you want it - Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!

• Cardinal Ximinez : *Nobody* expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear, fear and surprise. Our *two* weapons are fear and surprise, and ruthless efficiency. Our *three* weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical dedication to the pope. Our *four*... No... Amongst our weapons... Amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear, sur- I'll come in again.

  [leaves]