- Grandpa: Look Herman, take my advice: don't try to be noble, just learn to mind you're own business. That's just what I've been doing ever since I told that Napoleon fellow to take that short cut through Waterloo.
- Herman Munster: [Grandpa and Herman think they've found a Martian spaceship] Grandpa, we're making history! We're Gallileo, Columbus and David Susskind all roled into one!
- Marilyn Munster: Oh, Uncle Herman, you're all heart.
- Herman Munster: Oh, no I'm not, er, there's lots of other junk in here.
- Grandpa: I got it in here somewhere, let me see, what do we have here? Heh. Oh, a rabbit's foot carried by General Custer. Oh, Mother's day card from Lizzie Borden. Compas off the Titanic. Ah! Here it is!
- [cackles with glee]
- Grandpa: My radio direction finder.
- Herman Munster: Direction finder? Grandpa, that's just an old fashioned divining rod!
- Grandpa: True, true, heh, but I had it transistorized last month!
- [dials show that the direction finder can be set to find Water, Girls, Metal and Flying Objects]
- Eddie Munster: Hey mom, how come Grandpa and dad aren't having dinner with us?
- Lily Munster: Well, Grandpa said they had to go out tonight on important business.
- Eddie Munster: But Grandpa didn't even take his shuffle!
- Eddie Munster: Hey mom, maybe dad's out playing poker with some men , and when he comes home you'll have to yell at him and make him sleep on the sofa.
- Lily Munster: Eddie! Where did you get ideas like that?
- Eddie Munster: From television.
- Lily Munster: You see, Marylin. It's just the way I told you. Those shows on television about horrible families have a definite effect on children.