- Herman Munster: Charlie Munster is a scoundrel and a con-artist from way back. Why, the doctor who put him together didn't have an honest bone in his whole laboratory.
- Grandpa: Oh, Herman, you're just jealous. Why, having Charlie here in the house is like a breath of fresh earth.
- Lily Munster: [Grandpa has just disappeared in a puff of smoke] I wish he wouldn't do that, it gets ashes all over the floor!
- Herman Munster: [to Lily] If you don't learn to be more careful, the next time Grandma dies, she'll leave the money to someone else.
- Herman Munster: And after I'm finished with this, I'm gonna kick Charlie out of here, every lock, stock and monocle of him.
- Charlie Munster: For the first time in my life, I've been forced to look myself in the face, and it's a pretty frightening picture.
- Herman Munster: I get the feeling I've just been insulted!
- Herman Munster: Lily, he's heard about those five thousand dollars your grandmother left you the last time she died. He's hear to cheat you out of it with that uranium machine.
- Charlie Munster: [on the phone] I'm on my way now, with the loot. I gotta blow town quick before my brother finds out.
- Leo 'Knuckles' Kraus: [on the other end] And Charlie, don't do anything cute, or your frame will float.