- [last lines]
- Jessica Fletcher: Well, I'm sure you'll all be delighted to hear that Sybil has promised to tone down her portrayal of Cabot Cove as this decade's 'Payton Place'.
- Loretta Spiegel: Well, she better. If America sees what's going on, everybody will want to live here, and I don't have enough chairs.
- Eve Simpson: Corinne, speed it up. I have an appointment with a hot client. Give me something orangy-pale to remind him that I'm a woman without threatening him with my sexuality.
- Sheriff Mort Metzger: Call the state police. Get the print guys out here, and dust the house.
- Deputy Floyd: Yes, sir, I'll do that, but it's not really necessary. I already know who did it. It's in the book.
- Loretta Spiegel: Has your husband read the book?
- Eve Simpson: Are you serious? I've never seen Noah read anything but a stop sign. Even then, his lips moved.
- [first lines]
- Eve Simpson: I swear to you. Alice showed up at the Harbor house wearing shorts, and they wouldn't let her in.
- Loretta Spiegel: Shorts? She must be older than God's mother.
- Ideal Molloy: Oh, but she's so proud of her legs.
- Phyllis Grant: I don't know why. Her knees look like two fat boys bumping their heads together.
- Miriam Harwood: I hope it's a love story. The only books I ever read are romantic novels with happy endings.
- Phyllis Grant: I like realism. Lots of tall, attractive, single men fighting over one mature working lady.
- Ideal Molloy: Well, I always look at the cover. If the man is bare-chested, and the woman isn't, I buy it.
- Phyllis Grant: I could swear you had your hair done day before yesterday.
- Eve Simpson: Loretta left in too much gray. I got home late last night; I caught my reflection in the hall mirror and screamed. I thought I was being attacked by some senior citizen.
- Phyllis Grant: Eve, darling, it also says in the book that you had an affair with the butcher, but you broke it off because of his mother?
- Eve Simpson: I won't dignify that with an answer, but that mother of his is something else.
- Phyllis Grant: Sybil calls the beauty shop a gossip communications center.
- Loretta Spiegel: I never hear any gossip, just good talk among good friends about other good friends who aren't here to defend themselves.
- Noah Harwood: It must be pretty hot stuff if you have to keep it in the fridge. What's it about?
- Miriam Harwood: You wouldn't like it. A woman wrote it!
- Noah Harwood: I don't know how you can stand this junk. Hurry up. Put some dinner on the table.