- Nick: [walks into Ben's dentist as a Spanish man, speaking with a Spanish accent] Hello. I am Ramon Manlucas.
- Ben: [looks in total shock, knowing it is Nick] Merciful heavens.
- Nick: I am very highly qualified, with many recommendations from dentists in Spain.
- Ben: Are you insane?
- Nick: No. I am Ramon Manlucas. I am born in Puerto Banus and educated in Madrid. I am looking very much forward to working here in England.
- Ben: Yeah, I am looking very much forward to booting you up the backside. Would you get out, Nick, please?
- Nick: Who is Nick?
- Ben: Drop the accent, all right? I just... I know it's you!
- Nick: Yes, it is me, Ramon Manlucas.
- [Ben rubs his face with his hand and gives Nick a look]
- Nick: [speaking in his normal voice] It's the moustache, isn't it?
- [about Nick's first day as a tour guide]
- Susan: In fact, it went so well I... it went so well I... sent Nick off by himself.
- Ben: You sent Nick off by himself.
- [laughing]
- Ben: Course you did.
- Susan: All right, I lost him.
- Ben: 30-Love, ha-ha! I told you... you wouldn't listen - he's unemployable,
- Susan: It's early days. He needs care, love, and tenderness.
- Nick: Hiya mum.
- Susan: WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
- Nick: Hey, don't ask me what type of day I've had. Where's that beer?
- Susan: Okay, okay, so you got lost, fine. But did you have to take my entire tour group with you?
- Nick: Wasn't that the job?
- Ben: Oh you led a little tour on your first day. Your mother will be proud. What was it called, "Pub Crawl of Old London Town" or "Shops You Can't Go into Again"?
- Nick: Actually, it was called, "Dylan Thomas' London".
- Ben: Oh, the pub crawl then.
- Susan: Don't encourage him.
- Ben: I was only asking.
- Susan: I was talking to Nick.
- [turns and pursues Nick across the room]
- Susan: And what have you done with your umbrella?
- Nick: Oh, it's probably still at the police station.
- Susan: And your badge?
- Nick: I think I left it in casualty.
- Susan: What about your clipboard?
- Nick: A baboon ran off with it.
- Susan: Oh, well, at least you took them to the zoo.
- Nick: Nnnno.
- [Susan is running Nick through a tour-guide lesson]
- Susan: All you have to do is stick close to me, do exactly as I do, and if you're unsure of anything...
- Nick: I'll just wing it!
- Susan: No, no, just ask. Now, here's your umbrella. This is your staff of office. Your... tour-guide sceptre if you like.
- Nick: Actually mum, I do have a question. If Buzz Lightyear doesn't know he's a toy, why doesn't he speak when humans are around?
- Susan: What?
- Nick: You said to ask if I wasn't sure of anything.
- Ben: [Ben answers the phone] Hello... hello, is that you Brian? I heard a clonk.
- Stupid Brian: Oh, yeah. Hello dad.
- Ben: Did you call me dad?
- Stupid Brian: Isn't that your name?
- Ben: No.
- Stupid Brian: That's what Janey calls you
- Ben: Brian, look, Janey's at school at the moment
- Stupid Brian: Oh right. So am I
- Ben: Then why are you calling here?
- Stupid Brian: Well I wanna talk to you
- Ben: Me? Why me?
- Stupid Brian: I feel we've bonded.
- Ben: I... I've only spoken to you once
- Stupid Brian: I know. It's amazing, isn't it?
- Susan: Hello, Nick. How was your day?
- Nick: Ah, the usual. Got up. Went to work. Got sacked.
- Susan: But you seem depressed.
- Nick: I know. I got sacked.
- Susan: You weren't depressed the last time you got sacked.
- Nick: Yeah, but that was yesterday. That's two days in a row I've been sacked. People will start thinking I'm some sort of useless layabout.
- Ben: Why hasn't that useless layabout got a job yet?
- Michael Harper: That *is* his job!
- Ben: Right. Anyone else want me to perform an unpleasant task? Nick, want me to sign on the dole for you?
- Nick: Oh, would you, dad?
- Michael Harper: Would you rub cream on my rash?
- Susan: Oh, well, thank you for being so supportive.
- Ben: Hah! There's being supportive and there's being insane!
- Susan: You do realise that every time you talk about Nick like that, you're undermining his confidence?
- Nick: No, he's not.
- Ben: Yes, I am. You're just too flaky to notice.
- Susan: You see? There you go again - dig, dig, dig. Have you ever wondered why he's turned out so flaky, incompetent and lazy?
- Nick: Er, actually, mum, that *does* undermine my confidence!
- Susan: Have you seen Nick?
- Janey Harper: Er, no, he's not home yet.
- Susan: God, this is awful!
- Janey Harper: No, mum. You're thinking of "Nick is home".
- Kev: Are you saying you only want me for my mind? What sort of boy do you think I am?
- Janey Harper: An economist.
- Kev: You've used me, Janey!
- Ben: You'll get used to it!
- Janey Harper: Mike, what do you know about economics?
- Michael Harper: Supply and demand. If you have information you want, you have to give me money.
- Janey Harper: Ugh! Why is everyone making it so hard to get a simple education?
- Michael Harper: Why do you want to go to university, anyway?
- Janey Harper: It's the only way out of this house without getting a job.
- Michael Harper: There's prison.
- Janey Harper: There's death!
- Michael Harper: Look, it just doesn't make sense - you at a university. I mean, have you even thought about which one you want to go to?
- Janey Harper: [Scoffs] Of course I have! I'm not an airhead!
- [pause]
- Janey Harper: What's the one with all the clubs?