Mystery Science Theater 3000 (TV Series)

The Final Sacrifice (1998)

Michael J. Nelson: Mike Nelson

Quotes 

• Mike Nelson : He exploded before they could shoot him.

• [upon seeing the villain Satoris in "The Final Sacrifice"] 

  Mike Nelson : Canadian Villain: Garth Vader.

• Rowsdower : Their people ruled this land once.

  Mike Nelson : They ruled this one acre for about a week. Nobody knew.

• Troy : The map is real!

  Mike Nelson : "Map Israel"? I believe Israel has been fairly well mapped already.

• Tom Servo : [in a little kid voice]  Oh please, just one more sacrifice before we go?

  Mike Nelson : Okay, but this is the *Final Sacrifice.*

• [Tom Servo sings an ode in response to Canada bashing] 

  Tom Servo : [sings]  Oh I wish I was back in old Canada, a land which I never shall lampoon, how I pine for the ice covering Lake Manitoba, and the beauty that is Saskatoon...

  Mike Nelson : [interrupts]  Here, I got one.

  [sings] 

  Mike Nelson : Oh I wish I was stuck in the hills of Alberta, drinking beer with some big dumb guy trapping fur. As he scraped and he chiseled all the moose dung off his boots, I would learn that he's the Prime Minister!

  Crow T. Robot : [sings]  Oh I wish I was in the land that gave us Peter Jennings, Alannis Morrisette, Mike Myers too. No I take that back, I wouldn't go there even if you paid me. O Canada, you are a place I must eschew!

  Tom Servo : [annoyed]  Now this is not in the spirit that I intended!

  Mike Nelson : Oh, come on, give in, I mean, after all they gave us Ed the Sock - and Rush!

  Crow T. Robot : Yeah! What are you defending? They're such feebs!

  Tom Servo : OK, I'll try.

  [sings in a hostile tone] 

  Tom Servo : Oh, I wish I was blowing up Prince Edward Island, and going on to bomb Ontario! Ha, ha! The destruction of Canada and all of its culture, is by far my fa-vo-rite scenario!

  Mike Nelson : OK, now, that's a little strong...

  Tom Servo : [manic]  No, you were right Mike! This is much more fun!

  [sings with angry gusto] 

  Tom Servo : Just *where* the hell does Canada get off sharing a border, with countries far superior to it? Why, you lousy stinkin', Francophonic, bacon-lovin' bastards, your country's just a giant piece of sh -...

  Mike Nelson , Crow T. Robot : Whoa!

  Mike Nelson : Okay, I think that's enough!

  Tom Servo : [sobbing]  I'm sorry! I have no sense of proportion! I'm a disgrace to my uniform!

  Mike Nelson : That's OK, now calm down now. Mustn't hate, mustn't hate...

  Crow T. Robot : At least not so overtly.

  Mike Nelson : Exactly, must disguise our hate, just a little. It's okay now, Dudley.

  Tom Servo : [sobbing]  Pardonnez-moi, pardonnez-moi...

• Mike Nelson : [as Mike Pipper]  Here's the plan. My army of trained rats will lead the charge and my scabies will protect our flank.

• Tom Servo : [singing]  Rowsdower saves us, and saves all the world!

  Crow T. Robot : [singing]  He comes to save the day in a broken truck...

  Mike Nelson : [singing]  With a stinky denim jacket on his back...

  Crow T. Robot : [seinging]  He couldn't help this movie, which reeeeally sucked...

  Mike Nelson : [singing]  But at least we didn't have to see him... play hacky-sack...

• Troy : Rowsdower, have you always been a...

  Crow T. Robot : Hopeless drunk?

  Troy : ...Drifter?

  Rowsdower : No.

  Troy : Well, what were you before?

  Rowsdower : I was...

  Mike Nelson : A Chippendale's dancer.

• Mike Nelson : What is this obsession with not showing us who's getting into what truck?

• [Troy is wandering around in the woods] 

  Mike Nelson : So, I dropped the canteen and I got lost, right on schedule.

  Tom Servo : Ah, next I have to fall, break my ankle, be attacked by coyotes and buried by a bear!

• Mike Nelson : [as Troy]  Oh I'm glad I don't have any friends, cause then I wouldn't be able to do this.

• Mike Nelson : Children and pregnant women should not watch this scene. You know, in fact, no one really should watch any of these scenes.

• Troy : [Troy is at his father's grave]  Hello, Dad. It's been a long time and I miss you. I want to know what happened to you.

  Mike Nelson : [as Troy's father]  I died.

• [a black-hooded cultist arrives at a house] 

  Tom Servo : Tee-hee. Tee-hee!

  Mike Nelson : His head is still factory-wrapped.

  Crow : [snickering]  Is he a door-to-door executioner?

• [Satoris uses his cane to draw the Ziox symbol in the ground] 

  Mike Nelson : Man, that's a terrible golf stroke.

• Tom Servo : [as Satoris]  Ow! You shot my butt! What the hell, you SHOT me in the BUTT!

  [Satoris starts burning] 

  Crow : So Mike, most humans, when you shoot 'em in the butt, they burst into flames?

  Mike Nelson : Uh, I dunno.

  Crow : Can we try it? Turn around.

• Mike Nelson : Some guys can really pull off leggings.

• [Troy and Rowsdower peer down into an ancient underground tunnel] 

  Mike Nelson : [as Troy]  You're gonna throw me down there, aren't you?

• [Rowsdower is riding a horse] 

  Mike Nelson : [as horse]  Uh, sir, maybe if you got rid of that huge gunnysack of ground pork on... oh, that's your butt.

• Mike Nelson : [Troy is walking through a graveyard]  People are dying to get...

  Tom Servo : [cutting him off]  No.

• Tom Servo : [singing]  Doo, doo, doodoo...

  Mike Nelson : [Rowsdower guns down two cultists]  Gilles, no! Not Etienne!

• Troy : Rowsdower, were you always a drifter?

  Rowsdower : No.

  Troy : What were you before?

  Mike Nelson : A Chippendales dancer.

• Mike Nelson : This sounds like video poker music!