- The Judge: Miss Fine.
- Fran Fine: Yes?
- The Judge: Do you have your attorney present?
- Fran Fine: [to Val, totally flustered] Oh, my attorney present, uh...
- Fran Fine: [to the judge] You know what. I'm not going to get him anything. Let's see how he does first.
- The Judge: [aside to the bailiff] Is this a competency hearing?
- Maxwell Sheffield: Niles, I'm beginning to think that hiring a door-to-door cosmetics salesgirl as a nanny was not my finest hour.
- Niles: Although, your skin has never looked more supple.
- Niles: Handcuffs, Miss Fine?
- Fran Fine: He was a cop. I was arrested last night!
- Niles: Really? I was a pirate. I had to walk the plank.
- Fran Fine: I'm serious. It was horrible! I had to spend the night in jail! Of course, I did meet a lovely girl named Sparkle Plenty. She charges twenty bucks to come to her party too.
- Niles: Why didn't you call?
- Fran Fine: Well, I did. I guess somebody was too busy shivering his timber!
- Maxwell Sheffield: [about a party Fran threw] I specifically said no parties.
- Fran Fine: Well, technically, you told Maggie no parties.
- Maxwell Sheffield: Don't you start with the semantics.
- Fran Fine: Oh, so now you're going to fire me because you're anti-semantic?
- Fran Fine: [about Fran's lawyer uncle] He's strictly pro bono.
- Val Toriello: Really? Well I'm glad he's not representing me because I'm pro-Cher.
- Man at Party: [dancing seductively with Fran] I love the way you look! Those heels are so sexy. Mind if I try them on?
- Uncle Manny: [entering courtroom] I object! I object!
- The Judge: What do you object to?
- Uncle Manny: The electric doors in the men's room.
- The Judge: That's the elevator.
- Uncle Manny: [pause] Take the stairs.