- Grandpa Jack Garrett: How do I look?
- Grant Pritchard: Same as usual. Pale, sweaty, like you're about to fall down.
- Helen McCormick: Your son-in-law gave you quite a build-up, you know.
- Grandpa Jack Garrett: Uh, yeah, well, I gotta be frank with you. It's been a long time since I did anything like this.
- Grant Pritchard: No, no, don't tell her that! Sounds like you've spent the last ten years chained in a closet with someone named Igor.
- Grandpa Jack Garrett: Are you hungry or do you wanna sit and talk for a while?
- Helen McCormick: Whatever you want is fine with me.
- Grant Pritchard: Perfect! Tell her you wanna grab a bottle of wine and go back to her place.
- Grant Pritchard: The woman's hot to trot!
- Claire Pritchard: Grant! You are so crass!
- Grant Pritchard: Take a look in her eyes. This woman's been there and back more times than the Starship Enterprise!
- Grant Pritchard: Now come on, Grandpa, tell her something interesting about yourself. Tell her you just climbed the Himalayas and spotted Elvis. You had brunch with Prince Charles. You were pearl-diving off the Grand Caymans with a long-legged model named Monique. Anything interesting.
- Grandpa Jack Garrett: I once took a Red Ball Express all the way to Denver.
- Grant Pritchard: I don't believe it. It's like coaching fungus.
- Grant Pritchard: You have a great body. I have a great body too. You know, you should check mine out. It's at plot 17, Cliffside Cemetery.
- Derek Dooley: Yesterday, in the gym when she was looking, I climbed up the ropes and wrote her name on the ceiling, holding the chalk in my teeth.
- Grant Pritchard: There's so much untapped talent in this family, it's scary!
- Liz Dooley: He has been seeing a lot of Helen lately, and he's been acting weird.
- Grant Pritchard: Well, so would you if your hormones hadn't kicked in since the Truman administration.
- Liz Dooley: You shouldn't be dating anyone. It's too soon after mom's funeral.
- Grandpa Jack Garrett: Honey, your mom died in 1978.
- Claire Pritchard: It's very sweet of you to cook dinner for them.
- Grant Pritchard: Well, I'm not leaving anything to chance, Claire. I'm gonna push this romance right along. You know, this is the same dinner I prepared the night I proposed to you.
- Claire Pritchard: Grant, the first time you proposed to me, I said no.
- Grant Pritchard: That's why I'm using twice as much wine.
- Grandpa Jack Garrett: She'll be here any second! How's the chow coming?
- Grant Pritchard: Chow? Mate, I cook gourmet cuisine. "Chow" is cooked by black-toothed geezers called Stumpy.
- Grandpa Jack Garrett: Sorry, I just don't want the lady to think I make bad grub!