- The Brain: Through meticulous analysis of history / I will find a way to make the people worship me / By studying the conquerors of days gone by, / I'll discover the mistakes that made them go awry.
- Pinky: So that you can make the same mistakes if you just try!
- The Brain: By studying the past so carefully / I won't repeat the same mistakes of history.
- Pinky: You'll never make another mistake, you see / Cause you'll fall asleep from reading all that history!
- The Brain: Attila was a mighty Hun / he ransacked Asia Minor just for fun / But when he got to Europe's banks / he was routed by an army of heroic Franks.
- Pinky: [eating a hot dog] I like mine with sauerkraut and mustard, thanks!
- The Brain: Why pillage like a criminal / when I can send out messages subliminal?
- Pinky: Please send a message to that Hun / to see if he can pillage me a hot dog bun!
- [the Brain hits Pinky]
- Pinky: Zort!
- The Brain: Caligula was no boy scout / He did things that we can't even talk about / The Romans knew he'd lost his head / when he filled a vacant Senate seat with Mister Ed.
- Pinky: What's wrong with being friendly with a thoroughbred?
- [holds up a picture of Pharfignewton]
- The Brain: Why rule like such a reprobate / when I can put the world in a hypnotic state?
- Pinky: When everybody's in a trance / you can make the people do a chicken dance!
- [Attila and his horse do a chicken dance]
- The Brain: [grabs Pinky's nose] Pinky, if you don't stop this foolishness, I shall have to hurt you.
- Pinky: [in pain] 'Kay.
- The Brain: In France, Napoleon Bonaparte / thought beating Austria was very smart. / But when he took on England too / he was beaten up by Wellington at Waterloo!
- Pinky: And now he's just a pastry filled with creamy goo!
- The Brain: Why conquer with depravity / I'll win the world by undermining gravity.
- Pinky: And even if your plan falls through / maybe they will name a pastry after you!
- [holds up a cupcake with Brain's face, which the Brain squashes]
- The Brain: Pay attention, Pinky! When Cleopatra reigned as Queen / with Roman leaders she was often seen. / But when she had no ruling friend / she found a poison snake to bite her in the end.
- Pinky: A bite down there I really wouldn't recommend!
- The Brain: I won't need world alliances / when I'm commanding everyone's appliances.
- Pinky: Oh no Brain, that would really smart, / to be bitten on the bottom by a Cuisinart!
- The Brain: Hannibal, our book confirms / tried conquering Italy with pachyderms / Just why he failed, nobody tells / but he never could get past the Roman sentinels.
- Pinky: And he couldn't find his weapons in the peanut shells!
- The Brain: An elephant is not required, / if I can use the media to be admired!
- Pinky: The TV viewers you'll delight / unless the network puts your show on Sunday night!
- The Brain: From Ghengis Khan to Charlemagne, / from Alexander down to Tamburlaine, / I find a ruler's tragic flaw / and gain a little wisdom out of each faux pas.
- Pinky: Don't forget the former Governor of Arkansas!
- [holds up a picture of Bill Clinton]
- The Brain: That concludes my little rhyme / I hope this lesson wasn't just a waste of time.
- Pinky: Well Brain, I've learned that one thing's true / Every one of them has failed, and so have you!
- The Brain: ...Thank you for your vote of confidence.