- Judge: 'Norman Stanley Fletcher, you have pleaded guilty to the charges.
- Judge: 'It is now my duty to pass sentence.
- Judge: You are an habitual criminal who accepts arrest and imprisonment as occupational hazards.
- Judge: 'We commit you to the maximum term allowed.
- Judge: 'You will go to prison for five years.'
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: With these eggs I'm smuggling in, I can get a quarter ounce of shag, two tubes of toothpaste,
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: or three bars of Fruit 'n' Nut.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Or I could see Smutty Garland, the porn king,
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: and swap 'em for two dirty books, full of full-frontal, naked nubiles.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: I'd rather have the Fruit 'n' Nut, meself.
- Ives: Come on, girl, force it out! Effort! Get going! Come on my beauty! Come on, darling, effort! You can do it, squeeze it out, my son. Come on, son
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: "Son"? It's a girl, you nurk!
- Ives: What are you talking about? How do you know it's a girl?
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: All hens are, Ives. Yer male's yer cock.
- Ives: Oh. There's a lot more females than males, then.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: That's why yer cock always looks so smug. He's got plenty of it about. Hence the term "cocksure".
- [Ives and Fletcher are in with the chicken coup]
- Ives: Here, mine looks inniment.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Inniment? What?
- Ives: Nah, go on, she's dropped off. Want to double the bet?
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: All right.
- Ives: Done.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: You certainly have been.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Fletcher finds an egg by slight of hand] Look at that - jackpot.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: See? Thanks, my darling. And thank YOU, Ives.
- Ives: Listen, double or quits. Which hand are they in? Go on, fair's fair.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: All right.
- [Fletcher points to Ives left clenched hand]
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: That one.
- Ives: We're even.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Fletch clasps Ive's right hand] Oh, THAT'S the one.
- Ives: Now that's not funny. Not funny at all.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Can't take a yolk, some people.
- Mr. Mackay: [Mackay shouts from outside] Ives!
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Ives has had an egg crushed in his right hand] What are you going to do? Shake hands with him, go on.
- [Ives walks out]
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Fletch carries on talking to himself] What a loser. Poor old Ives, what a loser. You know, if Liz Taylor had triplets, and he was one, he'd be the one in the middle, on the bottle.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Fletch addresses the chicken] There you are, darling. You ain't a loser. You'd have won if I hadn't cut off your access.
- [Fletch removes paper from the hatch and retrieves an egg]
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Look at that, it's a beautiful one. How do you get them so egg-shaped?
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Hang on a minute. Now then, girls. This is what's known as a perk of the job.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Pigs are Squealing and Fletcher is talking at them] God, you're messy. You eat like pigs an' all. Here, can you lot run? That's a thought, a pig race. Make a nice little flutter. The Slade Prison Selling Plate For Pigs. The Royal Cheltenham Pork Cup. Yeah, nice thought, that. I could run a book, couldn't I? Become an owner, have my own stable... sty. The thought appeals.
- [Pigs squeal again]
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Bacon Handicap.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Fletch is bent down and talking to a chicken] Hello, darling. You trying again?
- Mr. Barrowclough: [Barrowclough enters unseen] Morning, Fletcher.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Eh? What?
- [Fletch stands up straight]
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Oh, hello, Mr Barrowclough. I thought it was... All right?
- Mr. Barrowclough: What was Ives doing?
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: He came in on his way to the silos, Mr Barrowclough.
- Mr. Barrowclough: Was he taking bets?
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Bets?
- Mr. Barrowclough: We suspect he's Harry Grout's runner.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Runner?
- Mr. Barrowclough: Well, for taking the bets.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: I see.
- Mr. Barrowclough: Grout's a long-term prisoner, and an unpleasant man. A sort of... unhealthy influence. We're pretty sure he runs both the gambling and the tobacco in this prison. You're a good chap, Fletcher. I don't want you sucked in to that circle.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Never fear, Mr Barrowclough. Gambling appalls me. I've seen its consequences.
- Mr. Barrowclough: It's a plague in this prison.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: My poor old mother. It's not one of my vices.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Here, can pigs run? Can they be trained to run?
- Mr. Barrowclough: Why?
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: I dunno, I just thought... Well, I thought they might like a little run, instead of having to walk like us pedestrians. A bit of exercise.
- Mr. Barrowclough: Nice to see you taking an interest in your fellow creatures.
- Mr. Barrowclough: You seem to be settling in down on the farm.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: I resented it a bit at first, because I've never been a rural man. I have a deep mistrust of animals.
- Mr. Barrowclough: I thought you told the governor you liked farming and livestock.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Livestock, yeah, it's just the animals I don't like.
- Mr. Barrowclough: You're very lucky. Normally, a trusty gets a privileged job like this.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: I appreciate it, Mr Barrowclough, and I'm sure you helped me, knowing your kindness.
- Mr. Barrowclough: I didn't.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Say no more. When are you going to get me a single cell?
- Mr. Barrowclough: I can't do that.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: I can't share, I've no rapport with Heslop and Evans, there's no intellectual stimuli.
- Mr. Barrowclough: Is Evans still eating light bulbs?
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: No, he's changed his taste. He ate my shaving mirror.
- Mr. Barrowclough: There's little I can do, you know. You shouldn't ask me.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Wait, Mr Barrowclough, please don't think I want to influence you, or coerce you, or, I hardly like to say it, bribe you. You're chosen by the Home Office for your honesty and integrity. Would a dozen eggs help, at all? No, I'm sorry.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Lovely day for it.
- Prison Officer: You won't be getting IT for a long time.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: You obviously haven't had it for a long time.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: [Fletch walks into the kitchen] Here you are, Lukewarm. 3 dozen and 2
- Lukewarm: What's wrong with the hens since you took over, shell shock?
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: No need for that.
- Mr. Appleton: [Mr Appleton walks in the kitchen] Thieving again are you Fletcher?
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: now now Mr Appleton, there's no need for that sort of defamatory is there.
- Mr. Appleton: Always pilfering, the whole lot of you.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Come on I resent that remark Mr Appleton. I've done some bad things in my life, I wouldn't be in here otherwise, but petty sneak thieving is not my style. Not my style at all.
- Mr. Appleton: All right, all right.
- [as Appleton turns to leave, Fletch sneak thieves a 1lb of lard]
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: A game of chance.
- Lennie Godber: How do you mean?
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: For Gawd's sake, Godber, a flutter, a gamble.
- Lennie Godber: Gambling ain't allowed.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: 'Course it flamin' ain't, that's why we do it!
- Lennie Godber: Why do you need Grout's permission?
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Godber, you've been here a week. Ain't you learnt anything? Officially, this hotel is run by a governor appointed by the Home Office, name of Mr Venables, right? But we know different. We know that genial Harry Grout could bring the place to a standstill.
- Lennie Godber: Do you play for big stakes?
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: If we can nick any out of the meat safe. No, we play for anything negotiable, snout, mostly. Whatever it is, it won't be chicken-feed. Pity, I've got a lot of that. Blokes here are always betting. The excitement counters the misery of their monotonous existence.
- Lennie Godber: You what?
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Well, it's not winning or losing, it's doing it under the screws' noses, surreptitious, like.
- Lennie Godber: Blokes by me bet on how many bricks are in the cell.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: That's common.
- Lennie Godber: I can't think. It drives me mad, listening to their recounts. "341, 342..."
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Blokes in stir bet on anything - two flies crawling up a wall, the numbers of the hymns in the chapel, two flies crawling down a wall.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Didn't you notice the tension?
- Lennie Godber: Yeah, but I thought it was because of the female social worker.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: What, gruesome Glenda, her with the bicycle and the brogues?
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: You couldn't have an erotic fantasy about her.
- Lennie Godber: Nifty Small's in love with her.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Is he?
- Lennie Godber: He stole her bicycle saddle.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: I bet the ride back was a bit painful for her.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: He won't have that long though, they'll soon find that.
- Lennie Godber: Under his pillow? I bet they won't.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: You're on. How much? 2 fags?
- Lennie Godber: Eh, no, I'm not gambling, my mum said gambling would get me into trouble.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Oh, did she? It may have escaped your notice, son, but you're in prison ain't ya. You're mum was too late, you ARE in trouble ain't ya.
- Lennie Godber: Well, nevertheless, I ain't gambling. I ain't standing there watching flies go up and down the wall or counting bricks. Gambling is one thing I'm going to resist inside.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: I bet you can't.
- Lennie Godber: Oh, yes, I can.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Bet you some soap you can't.
- Lennie Godber: Bet I can.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: See, you bet you wouldn't bet, so you lost your bet, that's a bar of soap you owe me. Work that one out.
- Ives: Venables has cracked down like a ton of bricks ever since the Earwig Derby.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Earwig Derby?
- Ives: Yeah, the Earwig Derby.
- Evans: Earwig derby, yeah tragic, that.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: What's the Earwig Derby, when was that then?
- Ives: Last earwig season.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Oh, was it, well, then.
- Ives: Organised by Grouty of course, very much on the lines of the Jockey Club. Handicaps, eliminators, and then in September the finale... the Derby. Eight yards across the laundry. The whole prison was on. Until of course Mackay finds out. Ah, we never knew.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: What did he do?
- Ives: He put his foot down. Yeah, right on top of them! Splat!
- Ives: Here, where did you get the dice?
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Lukewarm made them out of pastry in the kitchen. He baked them.
- Ives: Won't they break?
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: No, not his pastry.
- Evans: When I was doing bird in Shepton Mallet, we used to bet...
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Did you?
- Evans: ...on the number of bricks in a cell.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Oh, that was original. How did you get on?
- Evans: All I know is, there was over 37.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Roomy, wasn't it? Roomy, yeah.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Know what we had going in Maidstone? ONLY roulette, that's all! With a dart board, see. You could bet on even or odd, see, or red or black, or single numbers, or groups of numbers. A blindfolded croupier threw the dart. We'd play in association hour, bribe the screw to turn a blind eye. A great game, mammoth.
- Evans: Crafty, that, roulette.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: Yeah, pity it had to end so tragically.
- Evans: What happened?
- Norman Stanley Fletcher: The croupier got careless one day. Now the screw turns a blind eye to everything.
- Mackay: What have you got there, Fletcher?
- Fletch: [sotto voce] Crown jewels...
- [out loud]
- Fletch: Chicken feed!
- Mackay: Empty it.
- Fletch: It'll make a terrible mess, Mr Mackay!
- Mackay: Empty it!
- [Fletch empties the bag, which contains nothing but chicken feed]
- Mackay: All right Fletcher, just don't let me catch you thieving!
- Fletch: I won't, Mr Mackay.
- Mackay: You won't what?
- Fletch: I won't let you catch me, Mr Mackay!