- Rimmer: Erm, I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we going to call ourselves? And I think it comes down to a choice between "The League Against Salivating Monsters," or - and this is my personal preference - "The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society." Erm, one drawback with that - the abbreviation is C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S.
- Rimmer: Call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with a major - and I mean major - leaflet campaign.
- Kryten: [to Rimmer] Has anyone ever told you that you are a disgusting, pus-filled bubo who has all the wit, charm and self-possession of an Alsatian dog after a head-swap operation?
- Rimmer: What about the Rimmer Directive that states quite clearly, "Never tangle with anything that's got more teeth than the entire Osmond family"?
- title card: This week's Red Dwarf contains scenes that are unsuitable for younger viewers and people of a nervous disposition. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED
- Kryten: [after his faux-pas where he called Rimmer's mother an "old trout"] Well, if you'll excuse me, sir, I'll go now, this is clearly a very private family moment. I've no fish to embarrass you further. I'll let myself trout.
- [realises what he's just said and becomes hysterically embarrassed again]
- Kryten: Oh, sir! I don't... I'm so sorry!
- Rimmer: Just go.
- Kryten: [about a woman in Rimmer's old home movie] Who's that there? An old girlfriend, Mr. Arnold, sir?
- Rimmer: Hardly.
- Kryten: Oh, no, not really your type, I suppose. Silly old trout like that.
- Rimmer: She's my mother.
- Kryten: Oh, God! I am so sorry, sir!
- Rimmer: Just forget it.
- Kryten: Oh, how can I forget it, sir? I compared your mother to a foolish, aged, blubbery fish! I said she was a simple-minded, scaly old piscine! I intimated that she was an ugly, lung-less marine animal with galloping senility! A putrid, amphibious gill-breather with, with, with less brains than a mollusc!
- Kryten: Enjoying your meal, sir?
- Dave Lister: It's delicious, Kryten. De-smegging-licious. It's me own recipe, you know. Shami kebab diablo. It's beautiful, man, it's like eating molten lava! I cooked for one once for Peterson, you know. He was in sick bay for a week, what a weed.
- Rimmer: [watching his mother in an old home movie] There she is. Magnificent woman. Very prim, very proper. Some say austere. Some people took her for cold, thought she was aloof. Not a bit of it. Just despised idiots. No time for fools. Tragic, really, otherwise we would have got on famously.
- Dave Lister: I HATE snakes, they freak me out totally, snakes. They are my all time second-worst fear, guy.
- Rimmer: What's your first?
- [the Polymorph suddenly launches itself into the room]
- Dave Lister: This.
- [Kryten gives Lister an injection]
- Dave Lister: What's that pal, are you startin' trouble?
- Kryten: It's just a little something to calm you down, sir!
- Dave Lister: Come on then all of ya, SLAGS! All together or one at a time I don't care, it's all to the same to me, I'm...
- [faints]
- Dave Lister: Why don't we go down to the ammunition stores, get the nuclear warheads and then strap one to my head! I'll nut the smegger to oblivion!
- Dave Lister: Look, it needs killin'! And if that means I have to sacrifice my life in some stupid pointless way, then all the better.
- Kryten: Yes, why not - I mean even if it doesn't work it'll still be a laugh.
- Cat: You think I've got nothin' better to do than hang around watching you serve chicken chasseur in a stool bucket?
- [the shape-shifting polymorph has transformed into boxer shorts that Lister has just put on. Lister feels them shrinking and tightening around his groin and falls to the floor, begging for help. Kryten, who is wearing his vacuum hose groinal attachment, kneels down and tries to pull off the boxer shorts as Lister writhes and bounces around on the floor. At which moment Rimmer enters and sees what looks very much like Kryten having sex with Lister. Finally Kryten removes the shrunken boxer shorts]
- Rimmer: Well, I can't say I'm totally shocked. You'll bonk anything, won't you, Lister?