- Narrator: But not all was love and warmth at the North Pole. Discontent had begun to spread among the androgynous elfin workforce.
- Hermey the Elf: It was all about the coke, man! Santa had us elves hide the blow in the crappy wooden toys. Then he'd make the drop, and the sale was complete. He tried using some different ways to sneak the product in. You ever see a yeti when a dozen condoms of coke burst in his belly? It's a bad scene, man.
- Blitzen: Drugs? That wasn't no secret. But I'll tell you what the fat man's real problem was, when some of the shipments started turning up a little light, follow me? Somebody started having little private parties, you know what I'm saying? I think you do. As for who, well... you ever wonder how his nose got so red?
- Narrator: Who killed Santa Claus? A neglected housewife? Colombian drug runners? Some retard snowman? We may never know who killed Santa Claus, but whoever did is still out there... watching, waiting. Who's next? The Easter Bunny? Cupid? That Lucky Charms cereal guy? Who's to say? But when it does happen, Unsolved Case Files will be there to make a buck.