- Jackie Harris: [to Dan] You shave your pits? Is that true?
- Mark: Of course it's not true!
- [quietly to Dan]
- Mark: It isn't true, is it?
- D.J. Conner: Cool, when can I shave my pits?
- Becky Conner-Healy: Mom, Mark is really sick. When are we gonna get the upstairs bathroom fixed so he doesn't have to come down here?
- Roseanne: As soon as we finish the guitar-shaped swimming pool.
- Becky Conner-Healy: [to Roseanne] I know it's real tough on everybody. We're really glad you're letting us stay.
- Roseanne: Well, Becky, you're young and you still need me. Your father, however, is 44 years old and it's high time he got out of this house.
- Mark: God, everyone's so afraid I'm gonna make 'em sick. No one'll come near me. I feel like a leopard.
- Roseanne: [to Dan when he tells her he has to shave underneath his arms] Oh, honey, it's your very first Lady Shaver. Pretty soon, you'll start getting monthly visits from your friend.
- Becky Conner-Healy: Mom, I gotta start school tomorrow and I really need my rest. Is it all right if Mark stays on the couch tonight?
- Roseanne: No! I don't want anybody sick in there. That couch smells bad enough already.
- D.J. Conner: [to Roseanne and his friend, Ralph arrive at the Conner house] Where's dinner? We're hungry.
- Roseanne: Ours is on our plates, but you told me you were eating over at, uh that kid's house.
- D.J. Conner: No, Mom, I told you yesterday. Ralph is staying over here.
- Roseanne: Well, I'm sorry, Ralph, but you can't stay here. You'll have to tell your parents that Mr. Conner's on a bender.
- D.J. Conner: He can't do that! His parents are out of town! And you promised I could have friends sleep over.
- Roseanne: Well, I didn't mean it. I thought you were just bluffing when you said you had a friend.
- David Healy: Mrs. Conner, Ralph and D.J. can take the couch. I'll just move down in the basement with Darlene.
- Roseanne: Oh, yeah, and why don't you just bang on the ceiling if you have trouble unfastening her bra?
- Fred: [When Jackie has Andy sleep in the bed with her and Fred] This is crazy. With the baby in here, I haven't had one decent night's sleep since he was born.
- Jackie Harris: Fine. Well, we'll just put him up for adoption then because Lord knows you need your sleep.
- Jackie Harris: [to Andy over the baby monitor where Fred hears it] There, there, baby, it's okay. Someday, your real daddy will come home from the sea.
- Jackie Harris: [When Jackie and Andy show up at the Conner house] Fred and I had a huge fight this morning, so I brought the baby over here to teach Fred a lesson.
- Roseanne: Jackie, don't you know anything? If you want to make the man suffer, you stay, you don't leave.
- Dan: [When D.J. is playing video games while Roseanne and Dan try to talk to each other] D.J., your mother and I need to talk in private.
- D.J. Conner: I can't leave. I'm about to beat my record.
- Dan: Leave or you're grounded!
- D.J. Conner: I don't care!
- Roseanne: We ground him twice a week, Dan. That's how he got so good.
- Roseanne: [to Dan about why they can't kick Becky and Dan out of the house] Now they can't move out because Becky's gonna have a baby and she needs her mother.
- Dan: She's not even pregnant yet.
- Roseanne: Yeah, but she will be. Mark doesn't have anything else to do. He's already bored with his Hot Wheels.
- Roseanne: Jackie, kids get germs. That's what they do. They fall off their bike and they get all bruised and they cut their tongue licking a cactus. Maybe that's just D.J.
- Roseanne: You know, Jackie, your kids grow up and they just fly the nest, and then all you got left is your husband. You have to learn to let go.
- Jackie Harris: Well, my baby is six months old. What's your excuse?
- Roseanne: What?
- Jackie Harris: Look around. Kids are all still living here at the house with their husbands and their boyfriends and me. Wonder what Dan thinks about that, but, gee! I don't see him anywhere!
- [leaves the living room carrying Andy]
- Roseanne: Well, it's a wonder you can see anything over your kid's big misshapen head!