Roseanne (TV Series)

Stressed to Kill (1991)

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner

Photos 

Quotes 

• Roseanne : We're talking about *me* now, Dan.

• Roseanne : [while trying to stop smoking, to a customer in the restaurant]  You did too order salami! Yes you did! Yes you did! Then why'd you take a big ol' bite out of it?

  Bonnie Watkins : [on the phone]  Oh, she's doing much better, Dan.

  Roseanne : Eat it or wear it!

• Roseanne : [waits on a smoking customer]  Can I help you?

  Customer : Uh, yeah. Which is better, the tuna salad or the egg salad?

  Roseanne : Tuna salad... egg salad... chicken salad... turkey salad... shrimp salad. What difference does it make? It's all just different words for mayonnaise. Pick one.

• D.J. : You stink!

  Roseanne : I do not!

  D.J. : You smell like smoke.

  Roseanne : Well, my hair was on fire!

• Roseanne : I am an obsessive compulsive addictive mess, Dan! I can't do anything just a little, I find something I like and I totally overdo it: eating, smoking, thank God for birth control.

  Dan Conner : Amen.

• Roseanne : The problem is just me, Dan. I blame the kids, I blame money, but it's all bull. I am just weak.

  Dan Conner : [coyly]  That's why I married you, because you're so weak and frail.

• Dan Conner : [walks Roseanne into the bedroom]  Tell me what happened.

  Roseanne : Oh, then I called Leon a big doodie-face and he sent me home.

  [collapses face down on the bed] 

  Dan Conner : [sprawls over her and massages her back]  Did you smoke?

  Roseanne : No. I did however eat seven thousand pickle chips.

  Dan Conner : Thanks for the warning.

• Darlene Conner : High school is just learning lies and telling lies.

  Roseanne Conner : Really? Then how come you ain't getting any A's?

• Roseanne Conner : We shouldn't even be watching TV, TV is the whole reason my generation learned to smoke.

  Jackie Harris : Oh come on.

  Roseanne Conner : No, I mean it. Lucy smoked, Desi smoked, Ward smoked, Make Room for Daddy smoked, Maxwell Smart smoked, #99, the Chief, Hymie, and he was a robot, but he smoked. Cathy smoked.

  Jackie Harris : Patty didn't smoke.

  Roseanne Conner : I know, but they made into a huge nerd. Rob smoked, Laura smoked, Buddy, Sally, Jerry... Millie smoked. Gomez and Morticia smoked. I'm not sure about Samantha but both Darrins smoked.