- Roseanne: [while trying to stop smoking, to a customer in the restaurant] You did too order salami! Yes you did! Yes you did! Then why'd you take a big ol' bite out of it?
- Bonnie Watkins: [on the phone] Oh, she's doing much better, Dan.
- Roseanne: Eat it or wear it!
- Roseanne: I am an obsessive compulsive addictive mess, Dan! I can't do anything just a little, I find something I like and I totally overdo it: eating, smoking, thank God for birth control.
- Dan Conner: Amen.
- Darlene Conner: [walks in on Dan and Roseanne] Don't mind me, just came to get the hamper. Continue with your foreplay.
- Roseanne: The problem is just me, Dan. I blame the kids, I blame money, but it's all bull. I am just weak.
- Dan Conner: [coyly] That's why I married you, because you're so weak and frail.
- Dan Conner: [walks Roseanne into the bedroom] Tell me what happened.
- Roseanne: Oh, then I called Leon a big doodie-face and he sent me home.
- [collapses face down on the bed]
- Dan Conner: [sprawls over her and massages her back] Did you smoke?
- Roseanne: No. I did however eat seven thousand pickle chips.
- Dan Conner: Thanks for the warning.
- Darlene Conner: [watching TV] I'm working on a homework assignment.
- Becky Conner: On what, Larry the unsung Stooge?
- Darlene Conner: High school is just learning lies and telling lies.
- Roseanne Conner: Really? Then how come you ain't getting any A's?
- Roseanne Conner: We shouldn't even be watching TV, TV is the whole reason my generation learned to smoke.
- Jackie Harris: Oh come on.
- Roseanne Conner: No, I mean it. Lucy smoked, Desi smoked, Ward smoked, Make Room for Daddy smoked, Maxwell Smart smoked, #99, the Chief, Hymie, and he was a robot, but he smoked. Cathy smoked.
- Jackie Harris: Patty didn't smoke.
- Roseanne Conner: I know, but they made into a huge nerd. Rob smoked, Laura smoked, Buddy, Sally, Jerry... Millie smoked. Gomez and Morticia smoked. I'm not sure about Samantha but both Darrins smoked.