- D.J. Conner: There's cake in the fridge. Dad, make Mom give us cake.
- Dan Conner: [adopting a hilarious hick attitude] Woman, my son here wants cake. So does your man. I'd better see me some cake fixin' goin' on here! Right now! I mean it! Don't make me come over there!
- Dan Conner: [Roseanne and Jackie are cracking up. Dan switches back to a normal voice] Son, I just lost control of the house; it's every man for himself.
- Dan Conner: [about Darlene's ride to college] You already told her David could take her.
- Roseanne: Yeah, I know... but so what! You could *forbid* me to do that.
- Dan Conner: [astonished] In what universe?
- Roseanne: Please, Dan, please forbid me! I thought you were supposed to be the man of this house!
- Dan Conner: *No you did not*!
- Darlene: [why Darlene doesn't want her Mother to take her to college] Because she's just going to go psychotic when we get up there and she sees I've got my own life now! You know she's going to rag on everything: my school, my apartment, my roommate!
- Dan Conner: Yes! Yes! She absolutely will! And every time she slams you, you'll know she's suffering! And the only way your Mother can deal with pain, is to spread it around!
- Dan Conner: [to Darlene, separating her and her Mother] Your hair's going out the door. You might want to follow.
- Darlene: David and I slept together. Are you angry?
- Roseanne: I don't know, was I home at the time?
- Darlene: No.
- Roseanne: Were *you*?
- Darlene: Yes... I was careful.
- Roseanne: Well that's good.
- Darlene: Are you disappointed in me?
- Roseanne: No, not really. I kind of already knew.
- Darlene: You did?
- Roseanne: Yeah,
- [laughing nervously]
- Roseanne: I just pretended I didn't so's I could, you know, live.
- Dan Conner: You're beautiful.
- Roseanne: You're horny!
- Dan Conner: So, do you want to be ribbed or tickled tonight?
- Roseanne: Let's not use nothing.
- Dan Conner: You don't think our lovemaking is dangerous enough?
- Roseanne: I want another kid. Maybe the fourth one will be one of them worker kids who support you in your old age and avenge your death like in movies and stuff.
- Dan Conner: Ooh, a fictional child.