- Rabbi Shanka: If the dromedary is naught but a common camel, the alligator is just a crock, according to the Maharishi.
- Barbara Feldon: I'm just an average American girl.
- Dick Martin: If she's average, I've been going out with boys.
- Barbara Feldon: [with Russian accent] It's not that I wanted to work for the CIA, it's just that I still had family in Washington.
- Flip Wilson: Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts and minds of men?
- [glances left and right]
- Flip Wilson: The Shadow do.
- Roddy Maude-Roxby: Would you pose in the nude for me?
- Goldie Hawn: Oh, I'm not a model.
- Roddy Maude-Roxby: I'm not a painter.
- Dan Rowan - News of the Future: 1988: The United Nations today called off World War Thirteen when the entire general assembly agreed it would be bad luck. They voted...
- [pause for laughter]
- Dan Rowan - News of the Future: ... they voted overwelmingly to go directly to World War Fourteen. The vote was two to one.
- Dick Martin: How'd you like to, eh, cheat on your husband?
- Jo Anne Worley: Oh ho, Dick, I'm not married.
- Dick Martin: Oh well, forget it.
- [Jo Anne bursts out in tears]
- Gladys Ormphby: It was incredible. Last night at the movies I had to change my seat four times before somebody bothered me.