- Orson Welles: [narrating a radio play] But the professor's bullets seemed to have no effect on the indestructable monstrosity, as it carried the helpless scientist off to that strange place that only monsters know.
- Johnny Brown: Gee, Orson, eh, h-how do you keep your shape?
- Orson Welles: Well, I watch what I eat. Every morning I have a cup of black coffee, an English muffin, and a half a whale.
- Johnny Brown: Would you like to adopt a son?
- Orson Welles: No, but the Shadow do.
- Ann Elder: Mr. Welles, may I ask you a personal question? How do you like Burbank?
- Orson Welles: Medium rare, with a little Glendale on the side.
- Dan: How about an unexplained phenomenon like teleportation?
- Dick: Huh...
- Dan: Where the mind can actually move an object just be thinking about it.
- Dick: Why, that happened to me last week at Audrey's house.
- Dan: No fooling?
- Dick: Yeah...
- Dan: You mean something moved, through thinking?
- Dick: Yeah. Audrey said: I think I hear the front door. And boy, did I move.
- Dan: Well, that's, that's not teleportation.
- Dick: No, it was her husband, Bruno.
- Orson Welles: Tell me, Barbara, have you ever been in a horror movie?
- Barbara Sharma: No, but last week I was in a real wild nude scene.
- Orson Welles: Oh, what was the name of the movie?
- Barbara Sharma: Movie? Movie?
- Johnny Brown: You know, you can always tell a Black ghost when you see one. They wear their hair in a Super Natural.
- Ann Elder: Oh no, a Chinaman just crossed my path and now I'm gonna have seven years of bad laundry.