Don Ferguson: Various

Quotes 

• Various : [indignantly]  What is the meaning of this delay? I am here to discover Canada.

  Native Indian : [unimpressed]  Well, you're only about ten thousand years too late, friend.

  Various : Say, you look familiar. Weren't you in that movie Dances With Wolves?

  Native Indian : [in a sarcastic mocking "accent" to show his disdain for Cartier's self-important attitude]  Yes, I was.

  Various : What is your name?

  Native Indian : Kevin Costner. Reason for visit?

  Various : Weason? I am here to claim this land for the glory of La France.

  Native Indian : [breaks the fourth wall by grimly gazing at the audience]  Well, there goes the neighborhood. Occupation?

  Various : [grandly]  Why, I am an explorer. An adventurer. A courageous traveler.

  Native Indian : I'll just put down "dork."

  [again breaks the fourth wall and smiles amusedly at the audience] 

  Native Indian : I love this job. What's your Native tongue?

  Various : Why, I am a master of many tongues.

  Native Indian : Oh, what are they, Cree, Inuit, Dene?

  Various : No.

  Native Indian : Blackfoot, Mohawk, Haida?

  Various : No.

  Native Indian : Then you don't know any Native tongues. I'll just put down "illiterate."

  Various : How DARE you - - I am Jacques Cartier, world-famous explorer with over 50,000 frequent-sailor points! I am a very important person! I am very popular; I am known all over France! I can have any woman I want - - as long as I can come up with da CASH!

  Native Indian : [casually]  Big deal - - I'm hosting the "Genies" next week.

• Various : [impatiently exasperated]  You are treating me like a SECOND CLASS CITIZEN!

  Native Indian : [smiling sarcastically as he pulls on a latex glove, stretches and snaps the cuff dramatically, then wiggles his fingers illustratively]  Wait'll you go through the BODY search!