- Nicholas Cage: [stammering] Well, well, they, they probably think I'm the biggest jerk who, who's ever been on the show.
- Lorne Michaels: No, no, that would be Steven Seagal.
- Ross Perot: Well, let me say something to you, ma'am, a billy-goat's not a coyote and pen is not a number two pencil.
- Tiny Elvis: Hey, man, I'm not cute! I'm a blackbelt in karate! I got a good mind to climb up your shirt and give your lower a lip a roundhouse kick!
- Frank Sinatra: Look, we're all weak, baby! Sometimes a guy's gotta trade up for a new set of wheels! But you made one mistake: you gotta keep your mitts off the kinder! Believe me, I thought about it myself a few times. But I took my business to the john! When you're a one-man band, nobody gets hurt!