- Jimmy Fallon: US officials continue the search for Osama Bin Ladin. Reports suggest that Bin Ladin is most likely somewhere remote and barren, where he will not encounter others. The FBI has begun searching theatres showing the movie "Glitter."
- Mayor Giuliani: Good evening. Since September 11th, many people have called New York a city of heroes. Well, these are the heroes. The brave men and women of the New York Fire Department, the New York Police Department, the Port Authority Police Department, Fire Commissioner Tom Von Essen, and Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik. On September 11th, more lives were lost than on any other single day in America's history. More than Pearl Harbor, and more than D-Day. The men, women and children who were in the World Trade Center came from across the country and 80 different nations. They were living their lives and pursuing their dreams, and they, too, are remembered as heroes. On our city's darkest day, our heroes met the worst of humanity with the best of humanity. Their acts of heroism saved more than 25,000 lives. But even as we grieve for our loved ones, it's up to us to face our future with renewed determination. Our hearts are broken, but they are beating, and they are beating stronger than ever. New Yorkers are unified. We will not yield to terrorism. We will not let our decisions be made out of fear. We choose to live our lives in freedom.
- Tina Fey: At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.
- Megan: am over here at the viewer window... where Randy and Gretchen are totally making out! That's cool, I don't even care! But if my heart had a mouth, and it could speak, it would say that I cherish you, Randy Wayne Goldman and, though in my life I may take many lovers, you will forever be my brown-eyed SFOC - Super Fox of the Century.
- Jimmy Fallon: A man who owns a Middle-Eastern restaurant named Osama's Place says he won't change the name since it was named for the original owner, not Osama Bin Laden. Though, he a had harder time explaining why his other restaurant is named Hitler's Chicken.
- Marty Culp: To the young man in the sequin dress, I don't appreciate you referring to my wife as a side of bitch salad.